Somebody flicked the switch again

Dreamt about work again last night. God damn brain. Woke up this morning feel anxious and panicky.


I popped a couple of diazepam in my purse before we went out for the day, because now I have a fear that I'm going to get overwhelmed with a panic attack like the one last Friday whilst I'm out in public. I needn't have worried though, its been such a busy day with friends and their kids that I've not had a a moment to myself to worry about all the things wrong in my life, let alone start panicking about them.


And now, 12 hours or so later, a funny thing has happened. My mood has gone completely in the opposite direction.


I went for a run as soon as DH got home from work. Four miles in the dark with no music on because I forgot to charge my iPod. Just my breathing, feet pounding on the path, the occasional beep from my Garmin to keep me company.
I know I wasn't feel amazing at the beginning of the run, I remember thinking, somewhere during mile one, how bloody shit it is that I have to deal with all this mental health stuff when other people get to live 'normal' lives. You know, the age old question; why me?


But then my mind did a wonderful and rare thing. It argued back.


It waved my beautiful children that I'm getting to spend all this time at home with in my face.
It reminded me that whilst I struggle with my mental health, at least I have my Physical health. That I have a degree of control over whether my illness kills me. So many people aren't that lucky.
It pointed out all my wonderful friends that actually do a really good job of trying to understand an illness that is as easy to explain as the offside rule.
My family, whom whilst not very good with emotional or mental issues, have never deserted me or laughed at me.
And it reminded me of the things I've found this year. My ability to, and love of writing. My twitter family.


I ran miles two, three, and four, feeling positive, energised and engaged and I still feel that way now. Not hyper. Just a contented kind of OK.
And whilst the switch flicking is confusing and frustrating, I think I'm just going to take the good with the bad and make the most of feeling this way tonight.


I'm going to get in bed now and listen to some of my favorite songs on spotify, for no reason other than it's something I love to do and I don't do it enough. Maybe that'll help the switch stay in place for a little bit longer. I sure hope so