The older I get the more I realise how deceptive people and relationships are. Almost everyone, without exception, has more going on in their life than you can ever tell from the outside.
If you are sitting at home reading this, with a husband or wife that feels more like a friend who happens to live with you than the passionate romance of your life, believe me, so, so many people feel like that.
If you had a secret little thing with, or a crush on someone other than your other half during a relationship that you've never confessed to anyone, I tell you now, nearly everyone I know has confessed to something similar.
Are you happy? or just comfortable?
There are no perfect couples or perfect relationships. Life isn't a Disney film.
Even the families that we look at with envy, believing they have so much under control, with perfect, angelic children, will be facing their own battles behind closed doors. Those that appear to have everything, could be up to their eyeballs in debt.
No one is living the perfect, happy life that we imagine, and perhaps the most important thing to take from that, is that no one is doing any better at this life than you are. We have to stop comparing ourselves and thinking everyone else is doing a better job than us.
Without wishing to sound overly dramatic, I have grown up being constantly told that I am over sensitive and over emotional. My family did not and do not discuss feelings or emotions of any kind, it's just not done, and as a result I've always felt like the abnormal one. The one that didn't fit in.
I over think every little thing, I analyse and worry and more than anything I express. My emotions are worn on my sleeve like a badge for all to see, I've never been able to hide my highs or lows from people around me, I express them in everything I do.
As I get older and more importantly, as I share more of my personal battles with people, I realise that the old cliche really is true. I am not alone in the way I am. It's not that everyone else can deal with things better than I can, it's not that I am weak, over sensitive or that I fail at things, it's just that people hide it until they feel they can tell you, until they realise you feel the same or will not judge them.
People pretend and people fake it - because we're scared of what people will think, because we don't want to ruin the illusion of perfection we've created, and because, and I suspect this is the one we're all most guilty of, we're in denial.
Admitting all our faults and fears, our feelings of inadequacy, acknowledging our troubled relationships and yearnings for attention and romance, we take them all to mean we've failed in some way. Because we think everyone else is getting it right.
They're not. They feel the same as you. Seriously, take some homework from this weeks entry and confess to a friend something about your life that's not entirely and completely perfect.I don't care if it's something as stupid as not washing your hands after going to the loo - I am willing to bet that they confess something to you in return no matter how small, and you both feel a little bit of comfort and more secure in yourselves as a result.
Sunday, 28 September 2014
Saturday, 20 September 2014
The importance of knowing how far you've come
Depression doesn't exactly encourage self confidence, positivity, or optimism, so it's not unusual for me to need to make a conscious effort to work on those areas, or to be reminded by other people to notice the good things my mind has brushed over or missed.
At hypnosis this week, my fantastic and very lovely GP commented on how nice it was to see me getting better. Up until he said that I'd not really thought about how visible it might be to other people. I've still not really focused on how far I have come.
It's silly because focusing on that is such a positive step towards recovery, and such a mood builder. As my life, my ability to deal with emotions and my day to day mood is still not exactly where I want it to be, I am very focused on all the challenges that remain and obstacles I still have to overcome. I have never sat and thought about where I was a month ago, let alone 3 months ago. Not in detail.
Some of it is hard to think about, granted, but I think its important. I have to be as willing to congratulate myself and pat myself on the back as I am to berate and be hard on myself.
Of course, just that thought process itself never would have occurred to me in the past few months and hat's probably one of the most noticeable changes, the addition of the more encouraging, positive voice in my brain. Its not the strongest of my two voices, but it's there and it's putting up a good fight.
I still look in the mirror and see dark circles under my eyes, a flat and empty chest and a saggy belly. It still makes me cringe and feel sad BUT there is a voice in my head now that says; 'You have tired eyes and a saggy belly, because you have a new born baby. You eat healthily and you're already running and training, the weight will go, don't be too hard on yourself. Yep you have small boobs that have seen better days but no one can tell through a pretty bra and clothes. Learn to love it'
What a god send that voice is. It doesn't work miracles, I don't suddenly feel amazing about myself, but oh it does make me feel more in control, like how I look isn't the end of the world.
I still stress and over think things massively. Particularly when it comes to my ability as a mother. I worry about Sophie being in front of the TV too much, of not picking up Joe for a cuddle often enough. I worry about going out too much, I worry about staying in and not stimulating the kids. I worry about what they eat and don't eat and I put that all down to bad decisions on my part. When Sophie acts up I instantly think it's down to something I did or did not do. I feel like every other parent is constantly assessing me and judging me. But you know what? The voice kicks in again. It pipes up with 'the fact you even worry about this stuff means your a good mum' or a 'just look at your kids you can see they are contented and happy'. I don't always believe the voice, but it's bloody there and that's progress.
Physical symptoms of my depression are subsiding too, I think. At the peak I cried everyday. I used to keep a toilet roll in my car just so I could pull over and sob. Now I barely cry once a week.
I have energy again, I want to DO things.
Previously, I've not wanted to talk to, message or acknowledge the existence of anyone other than my children. I wouldn't let anyone come to see me in hospital, my sisters and parents were turned away. It was a crazy level of antisocialness. Now I'm still uncomfortable with new people and strangers (unless I'm drunk, eh Zoe?) but with my existing network of supportive, understanding and amazing friends and family I am very contented. I can socialise with them just as before, and I love to do so. Nothing pleases me more than a full and busy diary.
I care about things again. Silly, small, insignificant things, but things that show how much more I am living instead of just being alive. I went out and bought all my normal beauty products this month. Just some stuff from Boots and Body Shop that I used to use all the time, but ran out of a while back and never bothered replacing. That felt like a hugely positive thing, that I care enough about myself to start taking care of myself again. I've put full blown make up on twice this month, I can't remember the last time I bothered with much other than mascara and BB Cream before that.
Three or so months ago I walked out of my old office at very short notice and haven't been back since. Even discussing work has been a no no for me for months because of my anxiety and completely destroyed confidence in that area. Now, well, now I believe in myself enough to have started setting up my own business. I have the confidence in what I am good at to be willing to give it a go.
If this bout of depression had never happened I wouldn't even be in the position to try going self employed and I find that the most positive thing of all - something I've always wanted to achieve could actually happen, because of journey I've been through. How amazing if I can drag something positive out of it all.
Guys, it's ok if we make mistakes, if we have bad days. It's ok to cry or have an anxiety attack. We just have to remind ourselves of how far we have come. We have to believe in ourselves and keep on taking steps forward, no matter how small.
Even my worst days now are no where near as bad as my good days three months ago.
The best thing, the thing that makes me most likely to cry with joy whilst writing this, is that I've stopped thinking about self harm. I don't know when it happened or how, but right now I have no interest, not only in cutting, but in any suicidal thoughts. I am way too interested in where this story is going.
I love you guys, you've all helped me more than you'll ever know and I'd never have got this far without you!
Please keep up your fights, I promise it is worth it xxxxxxxxx
At hypnosis this week, my fantastic and very lovely GP commented on how nice it was to see me getting better. Up until he said that I'd not really thought about how visible it might be to other people. I've still not really focused on how far I have come.
It's silly because focusing on that is such a positive step towards recovery, and such a mood builder. As my life, my ability to deal with emotions and my day to day mood is still not exactly where I want it to be, I am very focused on all the challenges that remain and obstacles I still have to overcome. I have never sat and thought about where I was a month ago, let alone 3 months ago. Not in detail.
Some of it is hard to think about, granted, but I think its important. I have to be as willing to congratulate myself and pat myself on the back as I am to berate and be hard on myself.
Of course, just that thought process itself never would have occurred to me in the past few months and hat's probably one of the most noticeable changes, the addition of the more encouraging, positive voice in my brain. Its not the strongest of my two voices, but it's there and it's putting up a good fight.
I still look in the mirror and see dark circles under my eyes, a flat and empty chest and a saggy belly. It still makes me cringe and feel sad BUT there is a voice in my head now that says; 'You have tired eyes and a saggy belly, because you have a new born baby. You eat healthily and you're already running and training, the weight will go, don't be too hard on yourself. Yep you have small boobs that have seen better days but no one can tell through a pretty bra and clothes. Learn to love it'
What a god send that voice is. It doesn't work miracles, I don't suddenly feel amazing about myself, but oh it does make me feel more in control, like how I look isn't the end of the world.
I still stress and over think things massively. Particularly when it comes to my ability as a mother. I worry about Sophie being in front of the TV too much, of not picking up Joe for a cuddle often enough. I worry about going out too much, I worry about staying in and not stimulating the kids. I worry about what they eat and don't eat and I put that all down to bad decisions on my part. When Sophie acts up I instantly think it's down to something I did or did not do. I feel like every other parent is constantly assessing me and judging me. But you know what? The voice kicks in again. It pipes up with 'the fact you even worry about this stuff means your a good mum' or a 'just look at your kids you can see they are contented and happy'. I don't always believe the voice, but it's bloody there and that's progress.
Physical symptoms of my depression are subsiding too, I think. At the peak I cried everyday. I used to keep a toilet roll in my car just so I could pull over and sob. Now I barely cry once a week.
I have energy again, I want to DO things.
Previously, I've not wanted to talk to, message or acknowledge the existence of anyone other than my children. I wouldn't let anyone come to see me in hospital, my sisters and parents were turned away. It was a crazy level of antisocialness. Now I'm still uncomfortable with new people and strangers (unless I'm drunk, eh Zoe?) but with my existing network of supportive, understanding and amazing friends and family I am very contented. I can socialise with them just as before, and I love to do so. Nothing pleases me more than a full and busy diary.
I care about things again. Silly, small, insignificant things, but things that show how much more I am living instead of just being alive. I went out and bought all my normal beauty products this month. Just some stuff from Boots and Body Shop that I used to use all the time, but ran out of a while back and never bothered replacing. That felt like a hugely positive thing, that I care enough about myself to start taking care of myself again. I've put full blown make up on twice this month, I can't remember the last time I bothered with much other than mascara and BB Cream before that.
Three or so months ago I walked out of my old office at very short notice and haven't been back since. Even discussing work has been a no no for me for months because of my anxiety and completely destroyed confidence in that area. Now, well, now I believe in myself enough to have started setting up my own business. I have the confidence in what I am good at to be willing to give it a go.
If this bout of depression had never happened I wouldn't even be in the position to try going self employed and I find that the most positive thing of all - something I've always wanted to achieve could actually happen, because of journey I've been through. How amazing if I can drag something positive out of it all.
Guys, it's ok if we make mistakes, if we have bad days. It's ok to cry or have an anxiety attack. We just have to remind ourselves of how far we have come. We have to believe in ourselves and keep on taking steps forward, no matter how small.
Even my worst days now are no where near as bad as my good days three months ago.
The best thing, the thing that makes me most likely to cry with joy whilst writing this, is that I've stopped thinking about self harm. I don't know when it happened or how, but right now I have no interest, not only in cutting, but in any suicidal thoughts. I am way too interested in where this story is going.
I love you guys, you've all helped me more than you'll ever know and I'd never have got this far without you!
Please keep up your fights, I promise it is worth it xxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 11 September 2014
Is my depression sabotaging my relationship?
This post has been incredibly hard for me to write.
I don't open up about this topic to many people, through fear of being misunderstood or judged and maybe because writing some of it down makes it feel a bit too real. I'd rather ignore some of these feelings because life is just easier that way.
I'm writing it though, because I think to continue down the recovery path I need to get it out. I'm hoping that some of you, even one of you, may have the same problem, that it may be connected to my depression and isn't just my own personal bit of crazy.
Through my entire life, including but not limited to bouts of depression, I find that my emotions can sometimes switch off and on like a light switch.
Without explanation I can go from being so happy it borders on hyper, to so sad I am, literally, daydreaming about suicide. From the nicest, kindest person, to an angry bitch, saying cruel and spiteful things at the drop of a hat.
Or from feeling immense love, to feeling complete indifference.
It's that last one that I want to talk about. How I feel about my husband has and continues to change constantly. I'm not just talking about normal mood swings, or days when he gets on my nerves more than usual, I'm talking about being utterly convinced I am in love and happy with him one minute, to not wanting him anywhere near me and daydreaming about being on my own the next.
It works the other way too, I can go through months of feeling like we're just not right together, desperate to avoid him touching me, wishing I could escape etc etc, to suddenly, with the flick of some internal switch, back to feeling loving and affectionate towards him. Safe and happy in the knowledge that we're together, and feeling immensely guilty for how I treated him during other periods.
I can't stop the down periods from happening, I've tried everything other the years. And it's happened in previous relationships too - my first love I broke up with during a down period then massively regretted it and could never get him back.
The constant changes over the years have, understandably, taken their toll on our marriage, and on me.
Because one emotion never stays, I can't identify what I need to do to make myself happy. If I left during a down period and then the feelings bounced back like they always do, I will be left with a broken marriage, kids who don't live with their dad and lets face it a spiral of severe depression.
But staying. Staying, puts him and me through these constant up and downs. Months without intimacy or affection, two people just living together, raising there kids and getting along perfectly well, but with no warmth between them. I'm worried it's going to eventually push him away. That he will get fed up with the down periods, and leave.
How do I identify which feeling is the real one?
Part of me is scared to know in case it means my future will be different to what I'd always planned, in case it means that my kids won't have the family life I so dearly wanted for them. But another part of me is hopeful that good periods could win, if only my mind would let them.
Is my depression sabotaging my relationship?
Depression can be such a negative drain on everything good in life, and I wonder if, in the down periods, the depression is there, pointing out anything and everything negative, making me feel lethargic and uninterested, and encouraging me to seek solitude?
Please know, my husband is kind, caring and supportive. He is more involved with the kids than most parents I know. He's an amazing, loving, dad and extremely selfless. None of this should be read as a reflection on him, I can't emphasise that enough.
I'm sorry this post is rather disjointed and seems to have little point to it. I guess what I'm really trying to do, is face up to things I keep burying and ignoring because I don't know how to explain or deal with them.
It's part of my journey, I suppose, to work on the route cause of my constant battles with depression and anxiety. If only I knew what to do next.....
I don't open up about this topic to many people, through fear of being misunderstood or judged and maybe because writing some of it down makes it feel a bit too real. I'd rather ignore some of these feelings because life is just easier that way.
I'm writing it though, because I think to continue down the recovery path I need to get it out. I'm hoping that some of you, even one of you, may have the same problem, that it may be connected to my depression and isn't just my own personal bit of crazy.
Through my entire life, including but not limited to bouts of depression, I find that my emotions can sometimes switch off and on like a light switch.
Without explanation I can go from being so happy it borders on hyper, to so sad I am, literally, daydreaming about suicide. From the nicest, kindest person, to an angry bitch, saying cruel and spiteful things at the drop of a hat.
Or from feeling immense love, to feeling complete indifference.
It's that last one that I want to talk about. How I feel about my husband has and continues to change constantly. I'm not just talking about normal mood swings, or days when he gets on my nerves more than usual, I'm talking about being utterly convinced I am in love and happy with him one minute, to not wanting him anywhere near me and daydreaming about being on my own the next.
It works the other way too, I can go through months of feeling like we're just not right together, desperate to avoid him touching me, wishing I could escape etc etc, to suddenly, with the flick of some internal switch, back to feeling loving and affectionate towards him. Safe and happy in the knowledge that we're together, and feeling immensely guilty for how I treated him during other periods.
I can't stop the down periods from happening, I've tried everything other the years. And it's happened in previous relationships too - my first love I broke up with during a down period then massively regretted it and could never get him back.
The constant changes over the years have, understandably, taken their toll on our marriage, and on me.
Because one emotion never stays, I can't identify what I need to do to make myself happy. If I left during a down period and then the feelings bounced back like they always do, I will be left with a broken marriage, kids who don't live with their dad and lets face it a spiral of severe depression.
But staying. Staying, puts him and me through these constant up and downs. Months without intimacy or affection, two people just living together, raising there kids and getting along perfectly well, but with no warmth between them. I'm worried it's going to eventually push him away. That he will get fed up with the down periods, and leave.
How do I identify which feeling is the real one?
Part of me is scared to know in case it means my future will be different to what I'd always planned, in case it means that my kids won't have the family life I so dearly wanted for them. But another part of me is hopeful that good periods could win, if only my mind would let them.
Is my depression sabotaging my relationship?
Depression can be such a negative drain on everything good in life, and I wonder if, in the down periods, the depression is there, pointing out anything and everything negative, making me feel lethargic and uninterested, and encouraging me to seek solitude?
Please know, my husband is kind, caring and supportive. He is more involved with the kids than most parents I know. He's an amazing, loving, dad and extremely selfless. None of this should be read as a reflection on him, I can't emphasise that enough.
I'm sorry this post is rather disjointed and seems to have little point to it. I guess what I'm really trying to do, is face up to things I keep burying and ignoring because I don't know how to explain or deal with them.
It's part of my journey, I suppose, to work on the route cause of my constant battles with depression and anxiety. If only I knew what to do next.....
Thursday, 4 September 2014
Peaks and Troughs
I'm getting so fed up with myself. Why can't I kick this depression to touch?
One minute I see glimmers of feeling like myself, like when I wrote last week's entry. The next I am having the worst day in ages, having to go out for a walk to my spot in the woods so I can have a good cry.
My medication is double what it ever used to be. I'm running regularly, having hypnosis to help with the anxiety and I am off work on maternity leave until next May if that's what I want. So why the hell am I still having such dramatic peaks and troughs? Why is my mood fluctuating so much still?
It's the medication thing that bothers me the most. I spent two years in between having Sophie and getting pregnant with Joe on 20mg of Citalopram without any bouts of depression. I felt in a really good place, possibly the best place I'd been in in my life in those two years. So why, now I'm back on the medication, does it not have the same effect. Surely on 40mg, twice as much, I should be laughing, not still having episodes of uncontrollable sorrow?
Here's a scary thought that keeps popping into my mind too - how bad would things be now if it wasn't for the citalopram? Or if the GP hadn't doubled the dose? Doesn't bare thinking about I know, but I can't help it. It only takes one episode of getting my medication wrong in my life to make things get really bad for me, I've learnt that more than anything in the past months.
I spent so long, especially when things were really bad, just waiting to be in the situation I am in now. For Joe to be here, to be back on my medication and to be able to exercise again. I think that now I am here I'm probably expecting too much, too soon.
Thinking about it, I am almost certainly losing sight of all the progress I have made. I have to keep reminding myself that yeah, I went out and had a cry on Sunday but that was the first time in ages I've felt that bad and I didn't give any thought to self harm which I would've done before. Everything is less severe than it was before, my anxiety attacks are shorter and more manageable and I am still arguing with the negative thoughts in my mind, attacking them with more positive ones. Hell isn't that what I'm doing now, writing this?!
I want to be better. I want my life back and I don't want to be feeling some of the things I still feel, but I have to accept that that won't happen over night.
One thing I want to share before I leave you this week - when I was at my pond, sitting where I always sit, letting myself have a good cry and just enjoying being alone, I noticed a few screwed up tissues on the ground not far from me. It strikes me that I may not be the only person who uses that spot to come and have a good cry.
To think that there could be someone else out there, feeling how I feel and coming there to be alone and cry pains me so much. I wish I could reach out to them and let them know I exist. let them know that someone knows how they feel and that they are not alone.
But maybe it's enough that sometimes we sit in the same spot,under the same sky, finding our few moments of peace.
One minute I see glimmers of feeling like myself, like when I wrote last week's entry. The next I am having the worst day in ages, having to go out for a walk to my spot in the woods so I can have a good cry.
My medication is double what it ever used to be. I'm running regularly, having hypnosis to help with the anxiety and I am off work on maternity leave until next May if that's what I want. So why the hell am I still having such dramatic peaks and troughs? Why is my mood fluctuating so much still?
It's the medication thing that bothers me the most. I spent two years in between having Sophie and getting pregnant with Joe on 20mg of Citalopram without any bouts of depression. I felt in a really good place, possibly the best place I'd been in in my life in those two years. So why, now I'm back on the medication, does it not have the same effect. Surely on 40mg, twice as much, I should be laughing, not still having episodes of uncontrollable sorrow?
Here's a scary thought that keeps popping into my mind too - how bad would things be now if it wasn't for the citalopram? Or if the GP hadn't doubled the dose? Doesn't bare thinking about I know, but I can't help it. It only takes one episode of getting my medication wrong in my life to make things get really bad for me, I've learnt that more than anything in the past months.
I spent so long, especially when things were really bad, just waiting to be in the situation I am in now. For Joe to be here, to be back on my medication and to be able to exercise again. I think that now I am here I'm probably expecting too much, too soon.
Thinking about it, I am almost certainly losing sight of all the progress I have made. I have to keep reminding myself that yeah, I went out and had a cry on Sunday but that was the first time in ages I've felt that bad and I didn't give any thought to self harm which I would've done before. Everything is less severe than it was before, my anxiety attacks are shorter and more manageable and I am still arguing with the negative thoughts in my mind, attacking them with more positive ones. Hell isn't that what I'm doing now, writing this?!
I want to be better. I want my life back and I don't want to be feeling some of the things I still feel, but I have to accept that that won't happen over night.
One thing I want to share before I leave you this week - when I was at my pond, sitting where I always sit, letting myself have a good cry and just enjoying being alone, I noticed a few screwed up tissues on the ground not far from me. It strikes me that I may not be the only person who uses that spot to come and have a good cry.
To think that there could be someone else out there, feeling how I feel and coming there to be alone and cry pains me so much. I wish I could reach out to them and let them know I exist. let them know that someone knows how they feel and that they are not alone.
But maybe it's enough that sometimes we sit in the same spot,under the same sky, finding our few moments of peace.
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