So hey you, it's been a while.
I think that, for the most part, that's a good thing.
I feel the urge to write a blog post most when my mood is feeling unbalanced and I want to sit and rationalise it, so I guess the lack of entries demonstrates how much more stable I've been feeling. I miss writing though. I spent so much time doing it when I was severely depressed and not working, now I find it almost impossible to squeeze an hour into my day just to sit and write. I notice you've all kept reading though, thank you. I hope my words have helped you in your own personal battles somehow.
I have been so busy since I last blogged. Baby Joe, but a tiny unborn bean when this all began is now crawling around at a rate of knots. Into everything he shouldn't be, eating anything he sets eyes on, he really keeps me on my toes. Sophie is, well, anyone who knows her would probably at the very least call her outgoing. She's got so much energy and character, my little bear.
I've officially resigned from my old job now, the final hurdle in putting the last bout of depression completely behind me I think. My Self Employed business is really busy at the moment, which is fantastic and really helping my confidence, although I am probably working more hours than I want to at the mo, as I don't want to turn any work down whilst it's there.
Things with DH are much better too, we have more time together, done more fun things and it has really made a difference in getting our closeness back. ☺️
On paper, and in mood, most days I think of myself as in 'remission'. Not currently suffering from depression, but always aware of it and checking there's no signs of it coming back. I have good days, bad days and sodding awful ones like most. I still take citalopram and have hypnosis once every three weeks. I don't feel any need to stop either, perhaps for fear of 'rocking the boat' (especially when my boat is such a flimsy little dingy).
I feel like any minute now I'm going to write, 'I feel great, but...' And I suppose, to continue with my pledge to be completely honest, that would be the truth... I do feel great, but.....
But... My self confidence, when it comes to my appearance, is the worst it's been in years. I'm gaining weight, not running, feeling self conscious about going out and doing things (like the pub even. Since when did I feel intimidated by the pub?!) and avoiding doing anything in large groups. Things I used to really enjoy and look forward to.
It's the only part of me that feels completely changed, I can't seem to get back my drive to exercise and the confidence to dress up.
It's really hard to explain but I feel like I can get everything back to the 'normality' of before the depression came back, apart from that energy and drive to feel better about myself, to push myself. I look back at me a year and a half ago with great envy, as if she's a different person. I cancelled a marathon. She would never have done that. It's like I don't feel I'm worth bothering with anymore.
The longer this goes on the more I convince myself it's just the way I am now.
I've thought maybe it's just having two kids and trying to run a new business makes it harder to do everything else, like running and dieting. I've thought that maybe all the sickness and colds we've had have just knocked me for six and I'll get my drive back. I've even blamed it on having the odd fag when drinking.
I also quite seriously wondered if this is, in fact, the real me and whether the old one was spurned on by inner demons before the depressive bout?
Jesus who knows.
I am, without doubt, extremely grateful and happy not to be where I was this time last year. Recovery or remission, I will take it and I will enjoy it and live every second of it. But I'd really love to drag some missing pieces of me along for the ride. If I can only find them first!
