Failing to Fake it.

I'm no longer very private or secretive about my depression and anxiety with friends or family, but, if for some reason I choose to, I've always been able to hide it.

With the exception of when my depression is at severest, I am one of those (fortunate?) people that can hide what they're really feeling behind a mask of confidence. I hide my uncomfortableness at making conversation, interminable need to be liked and inability to look people in the eye behind constant jokes and banter.I am loud and sometimes crass, drawing attention to myself in a way that I can control, to avoid any attention/interaction that I don't want or can't deal with.
I've never made a conscious decision to deal with it that way, it's just something I've done since I was a teenager. My default setting when I meet new people, or go to parties and events.

I have a work version of it too - friends I've worked with in the past have called it 'Corporate' me and I guess that's a good description. I could switch into a professional, work like mode for meetings, presentations etc even if I was stupidly anxious underneath it all. Some of that was the same 'faking it' but some of it was my complete and utter faith in my ability to do my job.

You see, since I was first diagnosed with depression at 19 years old I have questioned many things in my life, I have beaten myself over almost every aspect of my personality, decisions, looks and ability, but I have always, unfailingly, believed I was good at my job.

Even if I struggled not to run from a room full of people at a seminar, took every bit of constructive criticism personally, or had nightmares over having to give a colleague bad news - the underlying belief was still there. The bit I did, at my desk, on my own, I was awesome at, and that gave me enough real confidence to fake the rest.

But I've discovered this week that somethings broken the balance - When it comes to work I'm now failing to fake it.

I printed off some leaflets for my new business this week and walked down the high street of my little town visiting small local firms hoping to introduce myself and what I do. Don't get me wrong, I know this was a big challenge to set myself, that anyone would be daunted at the prospect of just walking into a shop or cafe and asking for the owner and having to sell themselves and what they do. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I fully expected the 'corporate' version of me to just kick in and suck it up like it always would have done before.

It didn't. I stumbled over my words, I couldn't think of anything positive to say, and I went into most businesses almost apologetically. After the first few blatantly uninterested people I wanted to cry, and I started to shake with nerves. I forced myself to do some more and I did eventually get one lady who was enthusiastic and friendly, but I walked home disheartened.
What little real confidence I had before this relapse has escaped me. I'm trying to fake it, but without my belief in myself and what I can do, and with my ever growing desire for people not to look at me, I'm failing.

Of all the things I have had to deal with during and after my relapse this one makes me feel the saddest. I always had work before, if everything else fell down around me, if my life was one big fucking mess, I could still go to work and just get on with something that made me feel good. If I can't fake it enough to have that, what do I have left?
I guess this is part of my recovery, I have to figure out a way to rebuild the bits of me that depression chipped away at. The problem is, how do I get confidence without working again? And how do I get work without confidence. Or at the very least, the ability to fake it?