Filling My Cup

Wow what a manic few days!

Some of you already know that I spent last weekend in Leeds visiting friends. It was a big step for me as not only was I travelling alone, but my friend is someone I used to work with and work can be a massive trigger for my anxiety problems. I wasn't sure how I'd feel talking to her about it.

Two hours into the drive up there I started to feel emotional and lonely. I skipped all the sad and romantic songs on shuffle and just had a good cry. I don't know what bought it on, perhaps being alone for so long in the car, without anything to distract myself with, meant that I was letting myself think about stuff that I normally manage to avoid.
It wasn't bad crying, if that makes any sense. Yes I felt sad and tired and lonely, but mostly I just felt I needed a good cry, and it was ok to let it out.

I was fine again after a bit, and apart from a few tears when I greeted my dear friend, there were no more tears for the rest of the weekend. We worked on my business website Saturday lunch time, then I checked into the hotel, got in the big comfy bed with a chocolate brownie and had a snooze! The evening was spent out for dinner and drinks, talking about old and new times, just enjoying seeing my friend again. You spend so much time with the people you work with, and Stephanie is one of the loveliest,  kindest, most creative people you could meet. I miss seeing her almost everyday more than anything else about my old job.

After 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep (almost unheard of when I'm at home, thanks to my darling kids!) I had breakfast in my bed, checked out and went for a walk before meeting Steph & her husband for a Sunday pub Lunch, listening to fabulous jazz music.

It was as relaxing, and enjoyable as it sounds. Every hour without the kids wanting something, without housework to do, nursery bags to pack and washing to sort felt like an hour closer to being me.

I love my children. They are so precious to me and I do not begrudge a moment of time spent being their mother. But oh my god it was nice to remember that that isn't all I am. Dinner without a deadline, bed without crying alarm clocks, and time in the morning to put on make up, just because I felt like it.

On Sunday morning when I was alone, wondering the streets of Ilkley, I felt the familiar pang if anxiety and wanted to go hide in the corner of a cafe with a cuppa. But instead I walked and explored. I climbed a hill, looked at gorgeous views and enjoyed the sunshine on my own. That's something the old me would've done, and something I've not enjoyed doing alone since the kids arrived.

I ended the whole weekend with a long drive home, singing along to music in my car, laughing at myself and feeling recharged and re-energised.

I feel guilty for enjoying the weekend so much, but I remind myself of a quote I've seen before and often repeat to my mummy friends:

'It's not selfish to refill your own cup so that you can pour into others. It's not just a luxury, it's essential'

I'm back to normal life now, and have suffered a bit with anxiety and hyperness the last few days probably as a result of the weekends travelling taking it's toll on me. It's ok though. Because no matter how much I get dragged back into tired mummy mode, I've had a reminder of the fact that it's just for now. The rest of me is still there, it's just buried deep for a bit, waiting to come out whenever it gets the chance, and that's good to know. I'm still me.

And if I ever need reminding again? Well I'd sure love to see some more of the gorgeous Yorkshire countryside, and Steph :-)