Tonight I am struggling. Actually I've been struggling for a few days now. Anxiety is at a peak, confidence in anything I do is questionable and that old voice in my head telling me how shit I am is back.
I'm certain this is all down to hormones. I'm currently having my 5th period since Joe was born (he's three months old) and PMT has always been a real issue for me. Even during the years when I didn't suffer a bout of depression I've struggled with a severe dip in mood every month. It's one of the reasons I doubt I will ever come off of my medication.
When I have PMT I am impatient, spiteful, hurtful and selfish. I'm teary and emotional - even more so than usual - and I hate myself for it. I hear myself snapping at people, I see myself wanting to cry over something I spend the other three weeks of the month not thinking about and I hate it. I hate the lack of control. I hate that no matter what I do, my body will put me through this every month.
I'm doing everything I can to help myself, I exercise regularly, I sleep as much as anyone with a toddler and 3 month old baby can and I'm taking 40mg of Citalopram a day. What else can I do?
I don't want to feel like this anymore, but more than that I don't want to have to face dealing with it every bloody month. Don't tell me to accept it's the way I am, don't tell me to be gentle with myself or love myself because I can't, not when I'm like this.
I hate the way I look, the way I act. I hate the way I feel and I hate that I'm even writing this crock of self pitying crap.
Hormones have a lot to answer for. I know I'll feel better in a few days and look back on this, probably with a degree of embarrassment. But it's how I feel now, and every month.
And I'm so frigging tired of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment