Come on, come on, come on. Get through it

Sometimes I wonder if I'm even actually ill.

Sometimes I think that all the emotions, the constant ups and downs, the good days and the bad, are completely normal and that I just don't cope with them the way everyone else does.
Maybe my childhood has left me incapable of being able to deal with emotions, in the cold house if no love I never learnt how to? Or maybe I'm just a control freak who hates anything that is beyond her control, and can't deal with emotions taking over?

I don't know. I'm so tired of it all. Even after all these years, after dealing with depression for so long, I still can't comprehend how or why my mood can change so suddenly and so drastically. I've had a pretty good period of constant positive progress over recent months. Very few tears, managing to get active again, and relationships, anxiety and confidence improving. But the last two weeks it's all starting to feel a bit bleurgh again.

I know bleurgh isn't a proper word but it's the only one that seems to express what I'm feeling. I'm not suicidal, I've had very few tears, but I do feel flat and disengaged from life again. I've not ran for two weeks, I go to bed at 9 every night and I didn't even bother having a shower today. Nothings wrong, but nothings right either.

I have these occasional moments of clarity, doing something funny with the kids, or something physical and in the fresh air, where I feel like I've shaken off some cobwebs, but they are moments, not days. I don't feel like me at all.

Some people, close friends and family, ask how I am doing and how I'm feeling and it is so, so hard not to just say the same thing all the time. "I'm doing ok thanks". I want to be honest, truly I do, but if I was they'd be as lost as I am. One day I'm great, the next I think I've recovered, then the day after that, really low, then fine again, then super great, then sinking, sinking, sinking.... All, seemingly, without rhyme or reason. I find it the most infuriating and heart wrenching thing I have to deal with, not even knowing how long a 'good' mood will last, or if I'm in recovery. It makes me want to scratch my mind out with my finger nails just to get it to give me a fucking break. If it makes me feel like that, how on earth would it come across to an outsider who was just asking a considerate question?

Far easier to say 'I'm fine', than to burden them and myself with trying to explain how I really am.

Hell, how am I 'really' anyway? I'm alive, I have my physical health, my family and my wonderful friends.

But no peace of mind.

There's a Blur song, Tender, that I love. I recommend a listen on spotify if you're not familiar with it:

Tender is the day

The demons go away

Lord I need to find

Someone who can heal my mind
Come on, come on, come on
Get through it. 

Race over?

I am contemplating admitting defeat.

With nine weeks to go before the marathon, I have not run further than 10 miles.

Training is constantly getting way laid by illnesses. This week alone I've already missed a run, and thanks to this persistent cold/flu I won't be doing my long run tomorrow either. My eye is becoming gunky and red, probably conjunctivitis so that means no contact lenses for a bit now too, and I find running in glasses impossible.

Every time I miss a run I beat myself up, even if the reason is beyond my control. The pressure of keeping up with training, building up the business, looking after the kids and contending with all our illnesses is getting to me. This isn't what it's meant to be about for me, it's meant to be about feeling confident and energised and proud of what I'm achieving, not flat and frustrated that I'm not doing enough.

I don't want to quit. Lord knows from my previous posts you can tell how much this means to me. But I'd rather not run it at all, than run it and fail again. Maybe I should focus on shorter runs this year, and try for the marathon again in 2016.

People told me it would be too much for me this year, I hate to admit that they were probably right.

I hate failing. I hate giving up. But I have to admit that not having the pressure of a race deadline hanging over me would make me feel a lot less stressed right now.

The marathon was my focus when I was at my worst, my goal to aim for and the thing to hang on to - am I wrong to let go of that now? Am I just not having enough faith in myself, or am I being realistic?