Since I was 19 I have gone through this cycle.
Unbearable, self hating lows resulting in therapy, medication and some vague attempt at getting back to a normal life, followed by a couple of years of coping and doing ok, then sometime, without fail, coming back to the unbearable self hating low's again.
It doesn't matter what I do, how much I try to help myself, it feels like this is my life's course now. Chosen for me by some higher power, just the way it's destined to be, a circle of misery over and over over again, pushing me to my limits, breaking me and wearing me down.
And here I am again, detached from real life, no knowing what feelings and emotions are my own or which ones are caused by my mental health.
I'm so tired. I don't want a life like this, but I don't seem to have the strength to change it.
If I wish I had just one ounce of emotional strength. The tiniest ability to deal with things 'normal' people deal with in life without it being such an emotional drama.
I would rather die than continuously come back to this, continuously put people (especially my children) through this.
All I want to do, is sit and cry, and not communicate. or think. Or live.
Someone help me end this cycle. Please.
Because everytime it starts again, feels closer to the last time I can do it.
