Something strange is happening. I don't really know how it happened, or what caused it, but I'm almost convinced it is happening.
I think, perhaps, maybe, I am heading towards... recovery.
Over the last week I've found myself feeling more positive and upbeat. A few simple little things have happened have made me feel like I am taking back control.
One of the most noticeable things happened last Friday. I'd been paid by work and it was a larger amount than I was expecting to receive. I had to email them about it and that instantly made me feel panicky and anxious. Familiar old feelings; increased heart rate, faster breathing, and inability to focus on anything else. I fully expected to sit and cry until I got a reply, but instead I found some of the phrases from my hypnotherapy sessions popping into my head. The key one that I remember was 'It's just feelings'.
If someone said that to me about my anxiety or depression just in conversation I'd be massively offended but, in the context of the hypnotherapy it is intended to calm.
It seems to work. Just thinking that sentence seemed to take away the power of the emotions and the feelings I was experiencing. What would normally have become a massive panic attack and resulted in me sobbing my heart out and feeling useless, passed, not unnoticeably, but quite quickly, with a few deep breaths and a shake of the head.
Another thing the hypnotherapy focuses on - my confidence and fear of judgement - has been tested this week. On Monday morning a friend and I ended up getting ridiculously drunk at a wine tasting and spending the rest of the day in the pub. I scrounged a cigarette or two off of random strangers (I stopped smoking before I had Sophie) and got pretty annoyingly talkative, as I tend to when I'm drunk.
Normally I'd wake up after a night like that and feel massively embarrassed. I'd be annoyed with myself for getting so drunk, tell myself I was an embarrassment, and decide that I'd completely humiliated myself. I started to go down that road this time, but I stopped myself.
I haven't been out with a girly friend for drinks in 10 months! I've had horrible morning sickness, struggled through months of severe depression, have a new born baby and a toddler that I devote every waking moment to and I am begrudging myself one day off having fun? Hell no!
I went out, I got drunk, and laughed. A lot. I remember sitting in the pub thinking how much more like ME I felt. That's a good thing and it's not selfish. Most people around me were probably too drunk themselves to notice and if they did then who cares? They know nothing about my life or my struggles, and I'm hardly likely to see them again.
I'm not going to let my mind over think and beat me up for a sorely needed day letting my hair down.
It seems that these changes in the way I'm thinking can mostly be credited to the Hypnotherapy as I know we're focusing on these areas. I can hear some of the specific phrases used in our sessions recurring in my head in times of crisis. In every session I'm sure that there's a sentence along the lines of 'You are going to feel calmer and more in control as every day passes. You will feel more and more positive'.
I'll be damned if that isn't exactly what appears to be happening?!
I also went for my first run since I was 6 weeks pregnant yesterday.
I have been waiting to go for that run for so long. Running makes me feel amazing. When I'm out pounding the streets on my own I clear my head and I feel in control. I am in love with the feeling of power and satisfaction that comes from defeating a steep hill or beating a personal best time. Running is a fantastic mood manager and ego boost for me and I am so delighted to have it back in my life.
I managed two and half miles, not in a great time, but non stop and with a mean hill thrown in so I'm happy with that. My biggest difficulty is going to be pacing myself to get fit again and not just going out every other day running straight away!
It's inexplicable how much more optimistic things feel right now. How a future that looked so different a week ago can suddenly feel a bit more positive and exciting. I'm planning things that I'll enjoy, being assertive about me time, and not beating myself up as much. I'm challenging some of my negative thoughts. I've even started planning some new career opportunities!
Of course, all this positivity comes with a great deal of trepidation. I know this disease well enough not to be naive. A few good days does not mean I am miraculously cured. But what's key from all of this for me, is the change in my thinking. Being able to manage the negativity and replace it with more positive thoughts - that's something I struggle with daily. If I can learn to manage that, even a little bit, it will have a massive impact on my life for the better.
I know I'm in for more bad days, I know this is not the end of the battle, but bloody hell I think I may see some light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like the ice is melting and I can glimpse the real me underneath.
I'll finish this Blog entry the way I finished my run yesterday - shouting. 'Yeah baby, I'm BACK'
Thursday, 28 August 2014
Wednesday, 20 August 2014
Does Hypnotherapy help anxiety?
I've now started the hypnotherapy sessions recommended by my GP, to hopefully help ease my anxiety.
Having had absolutely no experience of hypnosis, I haven't had a clue what to expect and was really nervous the first time round.
It's nothing like what you'd expect from watching TV. There is no finger clicking to wake you up, and you remember everything that has been said to you. As far as I know I won't start clucking like a chicken any time soon!!
It seems to be more about relaxing your mind as much as possible, then making positive suggestions to your subconsciousness that will hopefully improve your day to day life.
At my first appointment, the Doctor talked me through my issues and concerns so that we could agree on what areas we wanted him to cover during the hypnosis. It's nothing like a therapy or counselling session, we didn't talk about anything in great detail and he wasn't there to offer me advice or an opinion on what he thought we should cover. For this reason, it would only really be useful to people who already have a good understanding of their issues and their triggers, I wouldn't recommend it otherwise.
It's funny but because I am trying not to get too emotional on a daily basis, as part of my coping mechanism so I can function and look after the kids, I don't ever stop to think about my problems and really analyse them very much.
When I do start to think about them and discuss them it inevitably makes me emotional, but then, I'm so sensitive I sometimes think I could get emotional about a sandwich.
I know my main areas to work on are:
I guess the low self esteem is really the root cause of all of the others, and indeed in previous therapy and counselling sessions it has been identified as one of the causes of my depression. I've known this for some time but I've found that knowing it, and being able to change it are two different things.
I think I tweeted a few weeks back - how do you train your mind to be gentle to you when all it's every known is critique, judgement and negativity?
As the Doctor and I discussed my issues he explained that one of the good things about hypnosis is that it doesn't involve you having to try to do anything yourself, that you don't have to retrain your mind to think differently because it focuses on your subconscious. As it is naturally a very calming and pleasant experience it's meant to be particularly good for anxiety and when we'd concluded the list above he seemed really confident that he was going to be able to help me.
The hypnosis sessions firstly focuses on getting you to a relaxed state of mind. I wouldn't call it a trance at all, just very calm and peaceful. I automatically close my eyes everytime but the Doctor has never asked me to. I lie down too, but again this was personal preference.
It then falls in to two parts. He focuses in the first half on my fear of judgement, overthinking things and lack of confidence, going through each one and telling me that it's not going to bother me anymore, emphasising positive statements and phrases. The second half is spent focusing on my work anxiety using visualisation to imagining it just falling away and not bothering me anymore. He talks me through a scenario where I open a gate to a beautiful garden, find a pond and drop a large stone that represents my issues to the bottom of it, watching it sink. Then I leave the garden and shut the gate firmly behind me.
I love the beautiful garden. I am so relaxed by that point I can picture it so vividly, I can hear the sounds, smell the flowers and see the water rippling on the pond. It's extremely clever and very satisfying, particularly walking away and shutting the gate everytime.
Does it work though? Well I still think it's too early to really tell.
I've had two sessions so far, both very similar although I relaxed a little more quickly today, I guess because I know what to expect now.
Last weeks session left me feeling extremely calm and relaxed all day. The usual anxiety provoking thoughts plagued me but interestingly I found it much easier to shrug them off, and to let them go without them bothering me. It only lasted a day though, the next day I cried through an entire visit from my Health Visitor, as mentioned in my previous post.
Today's session has had a similar effect in respect of being able to dismiss all my usual negative and emotional thoughts more easily, and I've found that I've been really chatty and talkative with people that I don't even know so perhaps I'm feeling more confident too?
I would say though that the I've not been remotely calm and relaxed today, as a result of Sophie being full of tantrums and bad behaviour, but as that's not one of the things we're specifically working on I guess that doesn't necessarily mean anything?
The Doctor has advised me that it takes a few weeks to build up and the effects should last longer each time. It's a good sign, apparently, that I'm seeing effects at all as this means it has a good chance of really helping me.
I do sometimes think, maybe it's not having any effect at all and it's all just in my mind - but then, that's exactly where it's meant to be! And who cares how it works as long as it does?!
I'll keep you posted! :-)
Having had absolutely no experience of hypnosis, I haven't had a clue what to expect and was really nervous the first time round.
It's nothing like what you'd expect from watching TV. There is no finger clicking to wake you up, and you remember everything that has been said to you. As far as I know I won't start clucking like a chicken any time soon!!
It seems to be more about relaxing your mind as much as possible, then making positive suggestions to your subconsciousness that will hopefully improve your day to day life.
At my first appointment, the Doctor talked me through my issues and concerns so that we could agree on what areas we wanted him to cover during the hypnosis. It's nothing like a therapy or counselling session, we didn't talk about anything in great detail and he wasn't there to offer me advice or an opinion on what he thought we should cover. For this reason, it would only really be useful to people who already have a good understanding of their issues and their triggers, I wouldn't recommend it otherwise.
It's funny but because I am trying not to get too emotional on a daily basis, as part of my coping mechanism so I can function and look after the kids, I don't ever stop to think about my problems and really analyse them very much.
When I do start to think about them and discuss them it inevitably makes me emotional, but then, I'm so sensitive I sometimes think I could get emotional about a sandwich.
I know my main areas to work on are:
- Low self esteem
- Lack of confidence
- Fear of judgement
- Overthinking
- Anxiety about work
I guess the low self esteem is really the root cause of all of the others, and indeed in previous therapy and counselling sessions it has been identified as one of the causes of my depression. I've known this for some time but I've found that knowing it, and being able to change it are two different things.
I think I tweeted a few weeks back - how do you train your mind to be gentle to you when all it's every known is critique, judgement and negativity?
As the Doctor and I discussed my issues he explained that one of the good things about hypnosis is that it doesn't involve you having to try to do anything yourself, that you don't have to retrain your mind to think differently because it focuses on your subconscious. As it is naturally a very calming and pleasant experience it's meant to be particularly good for anxiety and when we'd concluded the list above he seemed really confident that he was going to be able to help me.
The hypnosis sessions firstly focuses on getting you to a relaxed state of mind. I wouldn't call it a trance at all, just very calm and peaceful. I automatically close my eyes everytime but the Doctor has never asked me to. I lie down too, but again this was personal preference.
It then falls in to two parts. He focuses in the first half on my fear of judgement, overthinking things and lack of confidence, going through each one and telling me that it's not going to bother me anymore, emphasising positive statements and phrases. The second half is spent focusing on my work anxiety using visualisation to imagining it just falling away and not bothering me anymore. He talks me through a scenario where I open a gate to a beautiful garden, find a pond and drop a large stone that represents my issues to the bottom of it, watching it sink. Then I leave the garden and shut the gate firmly behind me.
I love the beautiful garden. I am so relaxed by that point I can picture it so vividly, I can hear the sounds, smell the flowers and see the water rippling on the pond. It's extremely clever and very satisfying, particularly walking away and shutting the gate everytime.
Does it work though? Well I still think it's too early to really tell.
I've had two sessions so far, both very similar although I relaxed a little more quickly today, I guess because I know what to expect now.
Last weeks session left me feeling extremely calm and relaxed all day. The usual anxiety provoking thoughts plagued me but interestingly I found it much easier to shrug them off, and to let them go without them bothering me. It only lasted a day though, the next day I cried through an entire visit from my Health Visitor, as mentioned in my previous post.
Today's session has had a similar effect in respect of being able to dismiss all my usual negative and emotional thoughts more easily, and I've found that I've been really chatty and talkative with people that I don't even know so perhaps I'm feeling more confident too?
I would say though that the I've not been remotely calm and relaxed today, as a result of Sophie being full of tantrums and bad behaviour, but as that's not one of the things we're specifically working on I guess that doesn't necessarily mean anything?
The Doctor has advised me that it takes a few weeks to build up and the effects should last longer each time. It's a good sign, apparently, that I'm seeing effects at all as this means it has a good chance of really helping me.
I do sometimes think, maybe it's not having any effect at all and it's all just in my mind - but then, that's exactly where it's meant to be! And who cares how it works as long as it does?!
I'll keep you posted! :-)
Friday, 15 August 2014
War plans
Yesterday was my worst day since Joe was born.
On Wednesday night I spent the second night in a row dreaming about returning to work, my mind torturing me with all the things I'm trying not to think about. Such vivid and realistic dreams that my mood from them continued into my waking life - I woke up anxious, upset and as tired as if I hadn't slept at all.
My Health Visitor came to see me at 10am and I don't know where it came from, maybe it was the result of the feelings from the night overlapping into my reality but I started crying almost the minute she arrived and I couldn't stop. The floodgates opened.
My health visitor, as I've mentioned before, is fantastically warm and very easy to talk to and fortunately has a very good understanding of mental health issues. I spent more than an hour sobbing, sniffing and outpouring random thoughts and anxieties to her. Things I'd not mentioned before, things she'd never asked about and things I don't normally like talking about. It just came out. Maybe I've been holding it all in too long, perhaps the tiredness and emotional stress of having a newborn baby got to me, perhaps I am hormonal. Maybe all of these things.
Don't ask me if I feel better for it because I honestly don't know.
If nothing else it's always good to have a cry I guess. But I hate the feeling after I out pour my emotions like that. The feeling of embarrassment. The knowledge that I would have seemed totally crazy and the shame at all the things I talked about, it makes me cringe.
When I discuss my childhood issues, my previous episodes of depression and things raised in my previous counselling and therapy sessions, there's something about it that feels pretentious. I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel like whenever I talk to anyone about my issues with my upbringing and my incredibly low self esteem, they are internally rolling their eyes. That they're thinking things like 'we all have issues, get over it' or 'what a drama queen' or that I just want to label myself with something because I like the attention. In my mind, no one feels sympathy, everyone is just pretending to care. They can't wait for me to stop talking about myself and my problems.
I don't analyse myself and my past because I want a label, it's not that I want attention or sympathy - in fact more often than not I want the opposite. When I out pour everything like I did yesterday I think some of it is my way of thinking it through yet again, asking someones opinion. I want them to tell me whether I'm understanding myself and the situation correctly, I'm after validation of my thought process.
I mentioned in my last post how depression, for me, isn't just about winning the battle but winning a whole war. I think perhaps yesterday's outburst, and maybe even writing this now, is all part of the process to build my 'War Plan'.
Over the years I have tried all sorts; counselling, medication, therapy, and exercise, and currently I am in the process of trying out some hypnotherapy, my verdict on which it is too early to say. The rest have had varying degrees of success at the time I undertook them, but alas, none of them have prevented the Depression from returning, nipping at my heels until I trip up and fall into it's arms yet again.
That's my war, and I have to analyse, to over think and read into all my past problems and issues because I think it's the only way I can find out what started the war in the first place. And subsequently the only way I can end it. For Good.
The Health Visitor wants me to ring the NHS Primary Care Psychological Therapies Service and arrange for some counselling. She believes just talking things through will benefit me but I'm not sure how I feel about this. I would be very keen to hear from any readers that have had any experiences of the service, either positive or negative?
It does feel like just another stranger to meet, another person to start from the beginning with again, to build up the courage to talk, to open up and not feel judged. It's so tiring.
Since this all started when I was 19, I have been encouraged to open up to more GPs than I can remember, several midwives, a mental health Nurse, a Mental Illness in Mums Specialist, a Psychiatrist, a counsellor, a private therapist, not to mention many well meaning friends. All with good intentions, all wanting to help me. But very few of them still involved in my life or my mental care now and the information provided to each one is rarely relayed to the one I see next, leaving me to re-explain, and them to re-analyse my state of mind.
Personally, I don't find recapping my life events and the things that have depressed me and cause me anxiety a very calming experience, so I think I am beginning to reject all the offers of help like this, not because I don't want to get better, but because as well meaning as they are, I'm not sure they are actually helping.
There are a lot of strong thoughts and comments on Social Media currently surrounding the topic of depression, and particularly suicide after Robin Williams' passing. A lot of them refer to the selfishness of suicide, the need to just 'ask for help' and some even go as far as to say people with depression 'want to die'.
Let me make this clear now dear reader, I do not want to die. Sometimes I want the way I feel to stop and sometimes it feels like death is the only way to make that happen, but I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. I am openly asking for help, support and friendship everyday via Twitter and this blog and I readily accept the advice and suggestions from my GP and other health professionals. But this help isn't a fix, asking for it hasn't made my depression disappear over night.
Have no doubt I want to win this war and perhaps the help I have asked for will assist me in doing so in time.
I am not weak and I am not giving up TODAY. But, if I did, it wouldn't be right of anyone to assume it was without trying, without asking for help and without consideration to others. What right does anyone have to assume that about Robin or anyone else who commits suicide? Everyone's story is made up by a whole book, not just the last few pages.
I will think about the counselling this weekend and yeah maybe I'll give it a go because it certainly can't make things any worse, but it's not going to form my entire War plan. I don't know what that's going to look like yet...
On Wednesday night I spent the second night in a row dreaming about returning to work, my mind torturing me with all the things I'm trying not to think about. Such vivid and realistic dreams that my mood from them continued into my waking life - I woke up anxious, upset and as tired as if I hadn't slept at all.
My Health Visitor came to see me at 10am and I don't know where it came from, maybe it was the result of the feelings from the night overlapping into my reality but I started crying almost the minute she arrived and I couldn't stop. The floodgates opened.
My health visitor, as I've mentioned before, is fantastically warm and very easy to talk to and fortunately has a very good understanding of mental health issues. I spent more than an hour sobbing, sniffing and outpouring random thoughts and anxieties to her. Things I'd not mentioned before, things she'd never asked about and things I don't normally like talking about. It just came out. Maybe I've been holding it all in too long, perhaps the tiredness and emotional stress of having a newborn baby got to me, perhaps I am hormonal. Maybe all of these things.
Don't ask me if I feel better for it because I honestly don't know.
If nothing else it's always good to have a cry I guess. But I hate the feeling after I out pour my emotions like that. The feeling of embarrassment. The knowledge that I would have seemed totally crazy and the shame at all the things I talked about, it makes me cringe.
When I discuss my childhood issues, my previous episodes of depression and things raised in my previous counselling and therapy sessions, there's something about it that feels pretentious. I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel like whenever I talk to anyone about my issues with my upbringing and my incredibly low self esteem, they are internally rolling their eyes. That they're thinking things like 'we all have issues, get over it' or 'what a drama queen' or that I just want to label myself with something because I like the attention. In my mind, no one feels sympathy, everyone is just pretending to care. They can't wait for me to stop talking about myself and my problems.
I don't analyse myself and my past because I want a label, it's not that I want attention or sympathy - in fact more often than not I want the opposite. When I out pour everything like I did yesterday I think some of it is my way of thinking it through yet again, asking someones opinion. I want them to tell me whether I'm understanding myself and the situation correctly, I'm after validation of my thought process.
I mentioned in my last post how depression, for me, isn't just about winning the battle but winning a whole war. I think perhaps yesterday's outburst, and maybe even writing this now, is all part of the process to build my 'War Plan'.
Over the years I have tried all sorts; counselling, medication, therapy, and exercise, and currently I am in the process of trying out some hypnotherapy, my verdict on which it is too early to say. The rest have had varying degrees of success at the time I undertook them, but alas, none of them have prevented the Depression from returning, nipping at my heels until I trip up and fall into it's arms yet again.
That's my war, and I have to analyse, to over think and read into all my past problems and issues because I think it's the only way I can find out what started the war in the first place. And subsequently the only way I can end it. For Good.
The Health Visitor wants me to ring the NHS Primary Care Psychological Therapies Service and arrange for some counselling. She believes just talking things through will benefit me but I'm not sure how I feel about this. I would be very keen to hear from any readers that have had any experiences of the service, either positive or negative?
It does feel like just another stranger to meet, another person to start from the beginning with again, to build up the courage to talk, to open up and not feel judged. It's so tiring.
Since this all started when I was 19, I have been encouraged to open up to more GPs than I can remember, several midwives, a mental health Nurse, a Mental Illness in Mums Specialist, a Psychiatrist, a counsellor, a private therapist, not to mention many well meaning friends. All with good intentions, all wanting to help me. But very few of them still involved in my life or my mental care now and the information provided to each one is rarely relayed to the one I see next, leaving me to re-explain, and them to re-analyse my state of mind.
Personally, I don't find recapping my life events and the things that have depressed me and cause me anxiety a very calming experience, so I think I am beginning to reject all the offers of help like this, not because I don't want to get better, but because as well meaning as they are, I'm not sure they are actually helping.
There are a lot of strong thoughts and comments on Social Media currently surrounding the topic of depression, and particularly suicide after Robin Williams' passing. A lot of them refer to the selfishness of suicide, the need to just 'ask for help' and some even go as far as to say people with depression 'want to die'.
Let me make this clear now dear reader, I do not want to die. Sometimes I want the way I feel to stop and sometimes it feels like death is the only way to make that happen, but I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. I am openly asking for help, support and friendship everyday via Twitter and this blog and I readily accept the advice and suggestions from my GP and other health professionals. But this help isn't a fix, asking for it hasn't made my depression disappear over night.
Have no doubt I want to win this war and perhaps the help I have asked for will assist me in doing so in time.
I am not weak and I am not giving up TODAY. But, if I did, it wouldn't be right of anyone to assume it was without trying, without asking for help and without consideration to others. What right does anyone have to assume that about Robin or anyone else who commits suicide? Everyone's story is made up by a whole book, not just the last few pages.
I will think about the counselling this weekend and yeah maybe I'll give it a go because it certainly can't make things any worse, but it's not going to form my entire War plan. I don't know what that's going to look like yet...
Wednesday, 13 August 2014
Winning the battle but losing the War?
It's been a strange couple of days.
The news of the utterly fabulous Robin Williams death has been a stark reminder of what depression can do. To anyone.
It destroyed a little bit of my hope I think, knowing that someone like him, who spent his life entertaining millions, still felt his life wasn't worth living. That with all his money and access, I assume, to the best mental health care he could buy, he still could not win the battle against depression. And if he can't beat it, what hope is there for the rest of us?
During the worst days of darkness; the crying in the corner, the difficulty getting out of bed, the panic about socialising, feeling judged by everyone and the constant self hate - the thing I cling to, the thing I try to focus on, is being strong.
I want to win my battle, I want to beat depression.
I beat it when I was 19, again when I was 26 and hopefully I will beat it now.
But how many times do I do this? How many battles do I have to square up to and fight hard before I win the actual war? Can I win the war, or is this all just time filling until depression eventually beats me?
Robin Williams death has left me wondering how many battles he fought just to get to 61 years old and how bad must that last battle have been for him to surrender to it. It scares me and makes me wonder what my future holds.
I'm a fighter, but I don't know if I can keep being a soldier indefinitely - one day I'd quite like to become a civilian.
The news of the utterly fabulous Robin Williams death has been a stark reminder of what depression can do. To anyone.
It destroyed a little bit of my hope I think, knowing that someone like him, who spent his life entertaining millions, still felt his life wasn't worth living. That with all his money and access, I assume, to the best mental health care he could buy, he still could not win the battle against depression. And if he can't beat it, what hope is there for the rest of us?
During the worst days of darkness; the crying in the corner, the difficulty getting out of bed, the panic about socialising, feeling judged by everyone and the constant self hate - the thing I cling to, the thing I try to focus on, is being strong.
I want to win my battle, I want to beat depression.
I beat it when I was 19, again when I was 26 and hopefully I will beat it now.
But how many times do I do this? How many battles do I have to square up to and fight hard before I win the actual war? Can I win the war, or is this all just time filling until depression eventually beats me?
Robin Williams death has left me wondering how many battles he fought just to get to 61 years old and how bad must that last battle have been for him to surrender to it. It scares me and makes me wonder what my future holds.
I'm a fighter, but I don't know if I can keep being a soldier indefinitely - one day I'd quite like to become a civilian.
Monday, 4 August 2014
Taking back control
Time is rolling by as time inevitably does. My days merge into one big mass of bottle feeding and toddler entertaining. Keeping busy and filling my days so I don't think too much and closing my mind and shutting the doors to my demons in the process. Nothing gets worse, but nothing gets better either.
I don't begrudge this time, I know I should treasure it, that Joe will be small for such a brief period and I will miss it when it's gone. But it does feel like 'empty' time to me at the moment. It feels like I'm going through the motions, existing, but not really living. Getting by but not getting better.
I've been signed off by my midwife now, and am in the hands of my health visitor & GP. I was meant to hear back from the mental health specialists after Joe was born but nothing so far. I cannot say I'm surprised or disappointed.
My health visitor is very nice, although a little chatty. The irony of the 'listening visits' that have been allocated to me is that sometimes I can't get a word in edge ways. She has an excellent understanding of mental illness though, having previously trained as a counsellor, and is a warm, friendly person. I saw her last week after my last blog entry and was as honest as I could be about how I was feeling. It gets exhausting trying to explain it to people when I barely understand it myself. Half of me wishes I could walk around with paper copies of this blog and just hand them to people when they ask how I'm doing.
As I've said in previous posts, I'm hoping that the current dip in mood is down to post birth hormones, but the health visitor & I agreed that we'd give it until today and if it was no better I'd go to the a Doctor to review my medication. The deadline was a good idea, without one I think I'd just have kept leaving it a few more days, especially after my last GP visit (see the entry: Depression? Call the Midwife), and I didn't want to end up leaving it so long it got critical like last time.
So, I went to see the Doctor today and apart from bumping into the GP from last time and having an anxiety attack (because I was convinced he remembered me and knew I'd moaned about him) the whole experience was much more pleasant.
I saw my usual GP, an older guy who is gentle, kind and knowledgeable. He listened, he asked questions and never rushed me. He offered my tissues with a gentle hand squeeze. He's the kind of guy you want to adopt as a grandparent.
He knows my history which of course makes things easier. He felt that it's likely to be hormones that are making things feel like they're getting worse at the moment, and said these could carry on for another month, so has recommended I double my dose of Citalopram in the meantime. He emphasised that this wouldn't be permanent - just a temporary measure to help right now, and we'd go back down to my normal dose later on. I'm a bit nervous about reducing the dose back down again later but he assured me that wouldn't have severe side effects and to be honest I've reached the point now where I'm happy to go with whatever he says, because I just don't want things to get as bad as they did before.
My GP also suggested, as a more permanent aid, that I try some hypnosis. He said that it's particularly good for anxiety and he thinks it could really help me. He's managed to get me three NHS sessions starting from next week! If it hadn't have completely inappropriate I'd have hugged him on my way out, I was so grateful for his compassion, advice and mostly his proactivity in thinking of other ways he could help me. Oh I'll be a wreck next week before I go to the hypnosis, and I've no idea what to expect or whether it will help me. But the point is I feel like he cares, like he's trying. And in turn it feels like I'm trying, that I'm taking steps to control my illness instead of it controlling me.
A longer term solution that's not medication really appeals to me. All I wanted before was to get back to feeling like my old self, but now I find myself wondering if that's enough. I think I want more.
I feel like I've come so bloody far, fought tooth and nail just to survive and keep going and I shouldn't waste that on going back to 'normal'. I want, no, I deserve, a life less ordinary. I'm not talking Nobel peace prizes or world changing scientific discoveries here, but I would like to make a difference. I'd like to follow my dreams, and help other people and leave some sort of mark on this world that I can be proud of, that shows I am more than just depression & anxiety.
It's not just about recovery anymore, it's about becoming the person I should've been all along.
I don't begrudge this time, I know I should treasure it, that Joe will be small for such a brief period and I will miss it when it's gone. But it does feel like 'empty' time to me at the moment. It feels like I'm going through the motions, existing, but not really living. Getting by but not getting better.
I've been signed off by my midwife now, and am in the hands of my health visitor & GP. I was meant to hear back from the mental health specialists after Joe was born but nothing so far. I cannot say I'm surprised or disappointed.
My health visitor is very nice, although a little chatty. The irony of the 'listening visits' that have been allocated to me is that sometimes I can't get a word in edge ways. She has an excellent understanding of mental illness though, having previously trained as a counsellor, and is a warm, friendly person. I saw her last week after my last blog entry and was as honest as I could be about how I was feeling. It gets exhausting trying to explain it to people when I barely understand it myself. Half of me wishes I could walk around with paper copies of this blog and just hand them to people when they ask how I'm doing.
As I've said in previous posts, I'm hoping that the current dip in mood is down to post birth hormones, but the health visitor & I agreed that we'd give it until today and if it was no better I'd go to the a Doctor to review my medication. The deadline was a good idea, without one I think I'd just have kept leaving it a few more days, especially after my last GP visit (see the entry: Depression? Call the Midwife), and I didn't want to end up leaving it so long it got critical like last time.
So, I went to see the Doctor today and apart from bumping into the GP from last time and having an anxiety attack (because I was convinced he remembered me and knew I'd moaned about him) the whole experience was much more pleasant.
I saw my usual GP, an older guy who is gentle, kind and knowledgeable. He listened, he asked questions and never rushed me. He offered my tissues with a gentle hand squeeze. He's the kind of guy you want to adopt as a grandparent.
He knows my history which of course makes things easier. He felt that it's likely to be hormones that are making things feel like they're getting worse at the moment, and said these could carry on for another month, so has recommended I double my dose of Citalopram in the meantime. He emphasised that this wouldn't be permanent - just a temporary measure to help right now, and we'd go back down to my normal dose later on. I'm a bit nervous about reducing the dose back down again later but he assured me that wouldn't have severe side effects and to be honest I've reached the point now where I'm happy to go with whatever he says, because I just don't want things to get as bad as they did before.
My GP also suggested, as a more permanent aid, that I try some hypnosis. He said that it's particularly good for anxiety and he thinks it could really help me. He's managed to get me three NHS sessions starting from next week! If it hadn't have completely inappropriate I'd have hugged him on my way out, I was so grateful for his compassion, advice and mostly his proactivity in thinking of other ways he could help me. Oh I'll be a wreck next week before I go to the hypnosis, and I've no idea what to expect or whether it will help me. But the point is I feel like he cares, like he's trying. And in turn it feels like I'm trying, that I'm taking steps to control my illness instead of it controlling me.
A longer term solution that's not medication really appeals to me. All I wanted before was to get back to feeling like my old self, but now I find myself wondering if that's enough. I think I want more.
I feel like I've come so bloody far, fought tooth and nail just to survive and keep going and I shouldn't waste that on going back to 'normal'. I want, no, I deserve, a life less ordinary. I'm not talking Nobel peace prizes or world changing scientific discoveries here, but I would like to make a difference. I'd like to follow my dreams, and help other people and leave some sort of mark on this world that I can be proud of, that shows I am more than just depression & anxiety.
It's not just about recovery anymore, it's about becoming the person I should've been all along.
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