Lets talk about sex

This weeks blog post is a little late because I've been having a bit of an internal debate about whether  I could or should write it.

Obviously talking about sex is personal for anyone, but I'm not so worried about that as I am of being respectful to my husband. I don't know how he'd feel about me talking about this online.

In the end I've taken the view that this is an anonymous blog and I've only told people in my life about it that I trust and know wouldn't judge me. And besides, the whole purpose of writing all of this is to help myself, and hopefully others. I guess there's no point trying to do that if I'm not going to deal with all of the issues my depression and anxiety makes me face and deal with on a daily basis.

The thing is Sex, like so many other things, is an anxious subject for me at the moment. My sex life has not been good since my last pregnancy and the episode of depression I suffered. Sex is something I am rarely in the mood for and even if I am in the mood for it, I talk myself out of it with overthinking and paranoia. SEX is becoming a word, on a big neon sign in my mind, that flashes at me saying, 'You're a bad wife, you're a bad wife' on a regular basis. The less sex I have, the more anxious about it I get, and the less I want to do it.

My husband has never made a comment about it, and never would. He is patient and caring and I think he knows that this is something I am battling with mentally rather than anything to do with him. I hope he knows that.

He does do occasional things, to show affection, remind me that he still finds me attractive and to just put it out there that he's interested, like squeeze my bum, give me a long cuddle or a complimentary comment, but these make my anxiety peak and quite often results in me biting the poor sods head off and being even less likely to have sex than I was before.
I don't know why, but just knowing he's hinting at it, that there's a weight of expectation there, makes me feel so under pressure and out of control. It's like I only ever want to be the one that initiates it, but the thing is I never do. I don't have the confidence to.

Despite being together for more than ten years and having two children together, I feel hugely self conscious having sex with my husband. I'm conscious of how I look and what I'm doing to the point that I'm not enjoying the moment at all, just overthinking and worrying and feeling fat etc etc.  Jesus I wish I could describe the anxiety I feel now just writing about this, let alone the self consciousness I feel at the time.

Three years ago, my parents split up and one of the things my dad said then, and still mentions now, is that there was never any affection there, and very rarely any sex. My husband and I have a great relationship, he is the best dad our children could ask for and he supports me through thick and thin. But what if I can't get to grips with the physical side of our relationship? How long is he going to put up with this? How long before he looks elsewhere, or we end up like my parents, divorced after a lifetime together?

I know the next step in my journey is to try to start rebuilding my self esteem and get some confidence back, so that a physical relationship with my husband doesn't seem so daunting. I just don't really know where to start!

Normally once I know what I want to write about, I can sit down and write a blog quite quickly, it just flows out of me in a big brain dump. This one has been completely different though, so much harder to write about and to acknowledge on paper how I feel. I meant to write a lot more, but I think this is all I can put out there at the moment.

At the very least, I hope one of you reading this is comforted by it, reassured that you're not alone. And if anyone has any advice on how I can break down my barriers and start to enjoy a good sex life again I would be very grateful to hear them.