Am I drug dependent? Does it matter?

I am scared of feeling better.

If I start to feel ok again my GP might want to reduce my medication. I don't know why the prospect of doing so bothers me so much, but it makes me feel extremely anxious to contemplate it.
I spent many years on 20 mg of Citalopram in a reasonably calm and contented state of mind, so reducing back down to 20mg now shouldn't seem like such a big deal, should it?

I know that my most recent episode of depression, the worst and frankly most life threatening I have ever experienced, was triggered by coming off the medication for the duration of my pregnancy and perhaps, as a result of this, I now have an increased dependency on the drug. Surely reducing the dose, or coming off of it all together, will send me back into the dark?

It's a perfectly logical fear if you think about it. For two years between periods of depression I was on medication and keeping my life in balance. 8 Months off of medication and my mental health spiralled out of control.

Is it wrong to be so dependent on it? Should I be aiming to come off of it at some point? That's a debate that rages on.

Sometimes the thought of being dependant on drugs for the rest of my life, just to make me feel OK makes me feel like I'm a failure. No one suffering from a tangible, physical illness would feel that way about taking medication on a regular basis, but when it comes to all things 'mental' we expect ourselves to be able to control it.

There's an acceptance in society that we can't think our way out of illnesses of the body, like diabetes, but there is still a strange idea that we should be able to think our way out of diseases of the mind.

We can take medication to manage our blood, our heart and even our hormones, without fear of stigma, but medication to 'change our mood' is frowned upon.  I see so many posts on Twitter about wanting to get off of medication, or not wanting to start taking it. Although I can relate to these emotions, I don't understand why we have them.
My anti-depressants do not change who I am. The key things that make up my personality, including my emotiveness, are still very much there. I am who I am.
BUT, without medication I am a more intense version of myself, I struggle to cope with any form of conflict, stress or emotion. That version of me lacks the ability to function in day to day life.
Medication means I can be me, but I can function and I have control (most of the time!) Citalopram has no severe ill side effects for me personally and they cause me no physical harm. No one even needs to know that I take it unless I choose to tell them. So why stop taking them? Why feel like I should?

There is a side of the arguement, that people should deal with the underlying issue rather than the symptoms of their illness - but this isn't always possible, depression doesn't always have a trigger. And for the record, I have tried counselling and therapy and I believe it did help, but it wasn't a magical cure. Unfortunately the chemicals in my brain don't listen to a well meaning, clever and wise therapist as well as they do drugs.

My fear of getting better is really a fear of getting worse, if my medication is reduced. It's rational, but it's also in my control, I don't have to reduce it even if it is suggested to me.

Yes there are people who believe that relying on medication to get through life is weak, but I'd ask them to read this blog, to understand my journey, and still think I'm weak. I think/hope that what I am actually doing is being realistic. I look at my life like the Gweneth Paltrow film Sliding Doors. One version in which I try to be drug free and another in which I accept my dependency. I only die to young in one of those, as far as I'm concerned.