One minute I see glimmers of feeling like myself, like when I wrote last week's entry. The next I am having the worst day in ages, having to go out for a walk to my spot in the woods so I can have a good cry.
My medication is double what it ever used to be. I'm running regularly, having hypnosis to help with the anxiety and I am off work on maternity leave until next May if that's what I want. So why the hell am I still having such dramatic peaks and troughs? Why is my mood fluctuating so much still?
It's the medication thing that bothers me the most. I spent two years in between having Sophie and getting pregnant with Joe on 20mg of Citalopram without any bouts of depression. I felt in a really good place, possibly the best place I'd been in in my life in those two years. So why, now I'm back on the medication, does it not have the same effect. Surely on 40mg, twice as much, I should be laughing, not still having episodes of uncontrollable sorrow?
Here's a scary thought that keeps popping into my mind too - how bad would things be now if it wasn't for the citalopram? Or if the GP hadn't doubled the dose? Doesn't bare thinking about I know, but I can't help it. It only takes one episode of getting my medication wrong in my life to make things get really bad for me, I've learnt that more than anything in the past months.
I spent so long, especially when things were really bad, just waiting to be in the situation I am in now. For Joe to be here, to be back on my medication and to be able to exercise again. I think that now I am here I'm probably expecting too much, too soon.
Thinking about it, I am almost certainly losing sight of all the progress I have made. I have to keep reminding myself that yeah, I went out and had a cry on Sunday but that was the first time in ages I've felt that bad and I didn't give any thought to self harm which I would've done before. Everything is less severe than it was before, my anxiety attacks are shorter and more manageable and I am still arguing with the negative thoughts in my mind, attacking them with more positive ones. Hell isn't that what I'm doing now, writing this?!
I want to be better. I want my life back and I don't want to be feeling some of the things I still feel, but I have to accept that that won't happen over night.
One thing I want to share before I leave you this week - when I was at my pond, sitting where I always sit, letting myself have a good cry and just enjoying being alone, I noticed a few screwed up tissues on the ground not far from me. It strikes me that I may not be the only person who uses that spot to come and have a good cry.
To think that there could be someone else out there, feeling how I feel and coming there to be alone and cry pains me so much. I wish I could reach out to them and let them know I exist. let them know that someone knows how they feel and that they are not alone.
But maybe it's enough that sometimes we sit in the same spot,under the same sky, finding our few moments of peace.
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