Something strange is happening. I don't really know how it happened, or what caused it, but I'm almost convinced it is happening.
I think, perhaps, maybe, I am heading towards... recovery.
Over the last week I've found myself feeling more positive and upbeat. A few simple little things have happened have made me feel like I am taking back control.
One of the most noticeable things happened last Friday. I'd been paid by work and it was a larger amount than I was expecting to receive. I had to email them about it and that instantly made me feel panicky and anxious. Familiar old feelings; increased heart rate, faster breathing, and inability to focus on anything else. I fully expected to sit and cry until I got a reply, but instead I found some of the phrases from my hypnotherapy sessions popping into my head. The key one that I remember was 'It's just feelings'.
If someone said that to me about my anxiety or depression just in conversation I'd be massively offended but, in the context of the hypnotherapy it is intended to calm.
It seems to work. Just thinking that sentence seemed to take away the power of the emotions and the feelings I was experiencing. What would normally have become a massive panic attack and resulted in me sobbing my heart out and feeling useless, passed, not unnoticeably, but quite quickly, with a few deep breaths and a shake of the head.
Another thing the hypnotherapy focuses on - my confidence and fear of judgement - has been tested this week. On Monday morning a friend and I ended up getting ridiculously drunk at a wine tasting and spending the rest of the day in the pub. I scrounged a cigarette or two off of random strangers (I stopped smoking before I had Sophie) and got pretty annoyingly talkative, as I tend to when I'm drunk.
Normally I'd wake up after a night like that and feel massively embarrassed. I'd be annoyed with myself for getting so drunk, tell myself I was an embarrassment, and decide that I'd completely humiliated myself. I started to go down that road this time, but I stopped myself.
I haven't been out with a girly friend for drinks in 10 months! I've had horrible morning sickness, struggled through months of severe depression, have a new born baby and a toddler that I devote every waking moment to and I am begrudging myself one day off having fun? Hell no!
I went out, I got drunk, and laughed. A lot. I remember sitting in the pub thinking how much more like ME I felt. That's a good thing and it's not selfish. Most people around me were probably too drunk themselves to notice and if they did then who cares? They know nothing about my life or my struggles, and I'm hardly likely to see them again.
I'm not going to let my mind over think and beat me up for a sorely needed day letting my hair down.
It seems that these changes in the way I'm thinking can mostly be credited to the Hypnotherapy as I know we're focusing on these areas. I can hear some of the specific phrases used in our sessions recurring in my head in times of crisis. In every session I'm sure that there's a sentence along the lines of 'You are going to feel calmer and more in control as every day passes. You will feel more and more positive'.
I'll be damned if that isn't exactly what appears to be happening?!
I also went for my first run since I was 6 weeks pregnant yesterday.
I have been waiting to go for that run for so long. Running makes me feel amazing. When I'm out pounding the streets on my own I clear my head and I feel in control. I am in love with the feeling of power and satisfaction that comes from defeating a steep hill or beating a personal best time. Running is a fantastic mood manager and ego boost for me and I am so delighted to have it back in my life.
I managed two and half miles, not in a great time, but non stop and with a mean hill thrown in so I'm happy with that. My biggest difficulty is going to be pacing myself to get fit again and not just going out every other day running straight away!
It's inexplicable how much more optimistic things feel right now. How a future that looked so different a week ago can suddenly feel a bit more positive and exciting. I'm planning things that I'll enjoy, being assertive about me time, and not beating myself up as much. I'm challenging some of my negative thoughts. I've even started planning some new career opportunities!
Of course, all this positivity comes with a great deal of trepidation. I know this disease well enough not to be naive. A few good days does not mean I am miraculously cured. But what's key from all of this for me, is the change in my thinking. Being able to manage the negativity and replace it with more positive thoughts - that's something I struggle with daily. If I can learn to manage that, even a little bit, it will have a massive impact on my life for the better.
I know I'm in for more bad days, I know this is not the end of the battle, but bloody hell I think I may see some light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like the ice is melting and I can glimpse the real me underneath.
I'll finish this Blog entry the way I finished my run yesterday - shouting. 'Yeah baby, I'm BACK'
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