Depression doesn't exactly encourage self confidence, positivity, or optimism, so it's not unusual for me to need to make a conscious effort to work on those areas, or to be reminded by other people to notice the good things my mind has brushed over or missed.
At hypnosis this week, my fantastic and very lovely GP commented on how nice it was to see me getting better. Up until he said that I'd not really thought about how visible it might be to other people. I've still not really focused on how far I have come.
It's silly because focusing on that is such a positive step towards recovery, and such a mood builder. As my life, my ability to deal with emotions and my day to day mood is still not exactly where I want it to be, I am very focused on all the challenges that remain and obstacles I still have to overcome. I have never sat and thought about where I was a month ago, let alone 3 months ago. Not in detail.
Some of it is hard to think about, granted, but I think its important. I have to be as willing to congratulate myself and pat myself on the back as I am to berate and be hard on myself.
Of course, just that thought process itself never would have occurred to me in the past few months and hat's probably one of the most noticeable changes, the addition of the more encouraging, positive voice in my brain. Its not the strongest of my two voices, but it's there and it's putting up a good fight.
I still look in the mirror and see dark circles under my eyes, a flat and empty chest and a saggy belly. It still makes me cringe and feel sad BUT there is a voice in my head now that says; 'You have tired eyes and a saggy belly, because you have a new born baby. You eat healthily and you're already running and training, the weight will go, don't be too hard on yourself. Yep you have small boobs that have seen better days but no one can tell through a pretty bra and clothes. Learn to love it'
What a god send that voice is. It doesn't work miracles, I don't suddenly feel amazing about myself, but oh it does make me feel more in control, like how I look isn't the end of the world.
I still stress and over think things massively. Particularly when it comes to my ability as a mother. I worry about Sophie being in front of the TV too much, of not picking up Joe for a cuddle often enough. I worry about going out too much, I worry about staying in and not stimulating the kids. I worry about what they eat and don't eat and I put that all down to bad decisions on my part. When Sophie acts up I instantly think it's down to something I did or did not do. I feel like every other parent is constantly assessing me and judging me. But you know what? The voice kicks in again. It pipes up with 'the fact you even worry about this stuff means your a good mum' or a 'just look at your kids you can see they are contented and happy'. I don't always believe the voice, but it's bloody there and that's progress.
Physical symptoms of my depression are subsiding too, I think. At the peak I cried everyday. I used to keep a toilet roll in my car just so I could pull over and sob. Now I barely cry once a week.
I have energy again, I want to DO things.
Previously, I've not wanted to talk to, message or acknowledge the existence of anyone other than my children. I wouldn't let anyone come to see me in hospital, my sisters and parents were turned away. It was a crazy level of antisocialness. Now I'm still uncomfortable with new people and strangers (unless I'm drunk, eh Zoe?) but with my existing network of supportive, understanding and amazing friends and family I am very contented. I can socialise with them just as before, and I love to do so. Nothing pleases me more than a full and busy diary.
I care about things again. Silly, small, insignificant things, but things that show how much more I am living instead of just being alive. I went out and bought all my normal beauty products this month. Just some stuff from Boots and Body Shop that I used to use all the time, but ran out of a while back and never bothered replacing. That felt like a hugely positive thing, that I care enough about myself to start taking care of myself again. I've put full blown make up on twice this month, I can't remember the last time I bothered with much other than mascara and BB Cream before that.
Three or so months ago I walked out of my old office at very short notice and haven't been back since. Even discussing work has been a no no for me for months because of my anxiety and completely destroyed confidence in that area. Now, well, now I believe in myself enough to have started setting up my own business. I have the confidence in what I am good at to be willing to give it a go.
If this bout of depression had never happened I wouldn't even be in the position to try going self employed and I find that the most positive thing of all - something I've always wanted to achieve could actually happen, because of journey I've been through. How amazing if I can drag something positive out of it all.
Guys, it's ok if we make mistakes, if we have bad days. It's ok to cry or have an anxiety attack. We just have to remind ourselves of how far we have come. We have to believe in ourselves and keep on taking steps forward, no matter how small.
Even my worst days now are no where near as bad as my good days three months ago.
The best thing, the thing that makes me most likely to cry with joy whilst writing this, is that I've stopped thinking about self harm. I don't know when it happened or how, but right now I have no interest, not only in cutting, but in any suicidal thoughts. I am way too interested in where this story is going.
I love you guys, you've all helped me more than you'll ever know and I'd never have got this far without you!
Please keep up your fights, I promise it is worth it xxxxxxxxx
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