Hello baby Joe

He is here :-)

Born at 9.33am on the 17th July weighing 6lb 2oz. He is diddy!

After a long and difficult pregnancy and the worst bout of depression I've ever suffered I can honestly say it was utterly and absolutely worth it. He is gorgeous and I adore him.

It's taken me numerous attempts to write this blog entry. Partially because I'm struggling to do anything other than slump on a sofa asleep & drooling, with a new born baby throwing up on my dressing gown and a toddler tugging at my arm. But also, because of my mood. I'm finding my mood difficult to describe at the moment.

The lead up to Joes birth was incredibly anxious, I drove to the hospital with my husband in silence, my heart thundering in my chest. It wasn't just the prospect of the surgery, but the inevitable things that would follow.

I worried that I'd resent the baby after such a difficult pregnancy, that I wouldn't bond with him. I worried about Sophie's reaction, about my ability to cope during the first few weeks, and as I've said before, I dread the prospect of post natel depression. I got myself in such a state.

My midwife, yet again, was amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better one. From the outset it was obvious she'd read all the notes about my medical history and mental health and she made a conscious effort to take this into consideration, not only with everything she did or said, but also in influencing others actions around me. I love her a little bit for that.

When we first arrived we were told that I was second on the list to go down for the op, which would've meant around a three hour wait. However, for some reason that was never explained, I was bumped up to first on the list and taken straight down to theatre.

I suspect my midwife may have influenced this, because of my anxiety, and that perhaps the surgeon etc had picked up on it too. If that was the case then I can't tell you how much I appreciate their observations and the action they took - the longer I'd have waited the more anxious I'd have got.

I won't bore you all with the details of the surgery, I found it very difficult and sobbed until Joseph was born. But this time, unlike with Sophie, they gave me him to hold (with help from my angelic midwife) and once I had him I was a lot calmer. It distracted me from what was happening and gave me something to focus on instead of the washing up feeling going on in my stomach. I was relieved; relieved he was ok, relieved that I instantly loved him, and relieved that this whole experience was one step closer to finally being over.

I found a couple of members of the staff in theatre frustrating - one kept commenting that I had nothing to cry about as it was a joyous occasion, and another that tried to chat to me about work (my ultimate anxiety trigger at the moment). Neither of them were to know though, they were just trying to be friendly and pleasant. I'm pretty sure I felt the midwife give one of them a glare at one point and they never said a word after that!

The first week since Joseph's birth, whilst challenging to say the least, has been quite positive. He's quite a contented baby but eats very often. Soph seems to adore him, but the change has obviously made her feel a bit anxious as she's really pushing her boundaries at the moment. Her most common act of rebellion at the moment is deliberately peeing on the floor. It's great fun....

Things are starting to get a bit harder now though. Over the last three days I keep getting completely overwhelmed by a sense of panic, feeling trapped and bored and worried about the future. The feelings aren't dissimilar to what I remember feeling during the baby blues with Sophie, and I keep telling myself that's all it is and it will pass.

It's scary for me. The way my mind jumps to negative conclusions and the constant need to cry is so similar to where I was a month ago, it feels like I'm going backwards.

Being stuck indoors doesn't help. Having had a C section I'm not allowed to drive for 6 weeks, and it's so hot everyday I'm a bit nervous of taking Joe out in the pram. He goes so red faced and he's so tiny, it makes me anxious.

I'm not sure if this is part of the blues, or a normal mum thing, but I'm also feeling guilty about every decision I make, questioning whether I'm doing the right thing and doubting myself and my parenting skills constantly. I started using a dummy with Joe just to help out when he's trying to feed every hour, and to buy me time when he and soph kick off at the same time. It made sense as a decision to make my life a little calmer and easier, but I can't tell you how much I've beaten myself up about it everyday since. I don't even know why! I think it's knowing how much some people look down on dummies, it frustrates me that the opinions of others bothers me so much.

All in all, despite the emotional up and downs, I guess the important thing is that I AM coping. I'm getting through each day, perhaps not with a skip and a smile but I am getting through them. And that's all I think I can ask for at this stage, to get past this hormonal bit and look after my children. Further down the line I know I need to spend some time on me and getting myself better, but right now just getting by will be enough.