Self Care or Self Pity?

I got a text from a work colleague this morning and instantly cried.

I cried through the entire text conversation, and carried on for half hour afterwards with Sophie asking me what was wrong and bringing me tissues. I tried not to do it in front of her but I just couldn't help it, once the crying started it wouldn't stop.

I cried for the kindness from the lady that texted, cried when she said they needed me back for things to run smoothly, and cried when I told her my baby was born on the 17th (I'd not yet bought myself to tell anyone at work because I didn't want to open a dialogue of conversation like this one that I knew I'd get extremely anxious about)

But most of all I cried for the old me, the one a year ago that happily and confidently went to work in a job that was set for life, with people I adored. I cried for everything that's changed, for the fact that I can't unchange it and for the fear I have of the future.

I'm crying writing this.

I feel so low again.

My husband came home from work at lunchtime and I asked him to take the kids out without me. He has kindly obliged and I'm now in bed, writing this because otherwise I think I'll just curl up in a ball and sob. I'll just go back over all the bad things again and make myself hurt.

That's what leads me to the title of this particular entry. I thought maybe I was doing the right thing, asking him to take the kids out so I can vent/cry/sleep off whatever is happening in my brain, that I was giving my self a break and a bit of self care, but what if I'm actually doing the opposite and I am just letting myself mope? Am I just indulging the depression or hormones and letting them win by giving in to my lethargy and disinterest in anything else? Would better self care have been to make myself go out and attempt social interaction to keep my mind busy and distracted?

To be honest I fear maybe it would've been, because since hubby left with the kids I've found myself thinking self harming thoughts for the first time in ages. And what's worse is that before, being pregnant was always my buffer, my thing that meant I never let anything but my mind go there. But I'm not pregnant anymore and I keep having those stupid thoughts of 'they'd all be better off without me'.

I'm pinning everything now on these emotions being triggered by hormones and passing in the next few days because I just don't know how much more fight I've got left in me.