Everyone keeps asking me if I am excited and saying how much they're looking forward to meeting the baby. Don't get me wrong, I am excited too, I'll be meeting my little boy for the first time - seeing what he looks like, holding him next to me... not even my depression can dull that sparkle.
But I am also utterly terrified -
1. Of going through the surgery again
2. Of coping afterwards
Anyone who thinks that opting for a C-section is an easy way out of child birth would be wrong. I've never had a 'normal' labour (Sophie was born by emergency C-section) so I've no direct comparison, but I can tell you that having a C-section is no walk in the park.
All I keep remembering is the half an hour after the baby is out, laying there feeling something like a 'washing up' sensation in your stomach whilst you're being stitched up. It's uncomfortable, unpleasant and not anywhere near the bonding experience with your child that I understand natural labour to be. When Sophie was born I didn't get to hold her until after the surgery was over, all I could do was look at her out of the corner of my eye as her Dad held her.
The recovery afterwards can be painful and long winded too, in comparison to natural labour. I was lucky last time and had little problem getting up and about quickly, but I suspect that may have been down to all the exercise I did throughout the 9 months prior. I've not been so good this time round....
As much as I am dreading going through all of that again, it's quite easy to dismiss it in my mind as just something I'm going to have to do, and I know it will be over before I know it. The harder thing for me to not get anxious about is my ability to cope after the baby is here.
The first few weeks with a new born are hell on earth. Little to no routine, little to no sleep, hormones all over the place, and physically and emotionally wrung out. I remember how hard it was last time round, how trapped I felt and how out of control I was. I am a creature of habit and routine and an absolute control freak. I remember wondering what on earth possessed me to think I could cope with a baby after Soph was born.
But cope I did. That phase passes, you find a routine and things settle down. I've the good fortune to know that's the case this time round and I will try to keep reminding myself of it. However, this time round I also have a 2.5 year old and severe depression and anxiety to contend with and that's what scares me.
Just the thought of being so out of control again, of Sophie being unhappy and disrupted, a constantly crying baby and no sleep... argghhh it all makes me start palpating a little. How am I going to cope? What if I can't cope?
I want to be a good mum, I don't want to let everyone down and collapse into another pit of misery for weeks. I can't get like I was a few weeks ago and just leave my husband and family to cope, I have to be able to take care of my children. To let depression get the better of me now, when they will need me the most, is one failure too far. I HAVE to be able to do this.
Hopefully that determination will be what sees me through.
My health visitor and midwife are both planning to give me extra visits wherever possible. The Health visitors now do something called 'listening visits' where they come out purely to chat and see how you are and mine made a point of coming to see me last week, as she quite sensible and rightly pointed out that it would be easier for her to spot when I'm not coping, if she gets to know me when I am.
I am reassured by this, although I do sincerely hope neither she, or my midwife, will ever have to do anything more than just keep an eye on me.
Other than worrying about everything above, which mostly happens at night when I can't sleep, I am actually doing ok. My days are so full and busy with Sophie that I don't really get a chance to think too much, and that's how I like it. My hardest times are always when I'm on my own, or in the middle of the night when insomnia takes hold.
Today was another 'Make Something Monday' so we busied ourselves with more jewellery making, this time it was Macaroni necklaces.
We tried some new paints with the brushes built in today, to attempt to get some separate colours. Soph has not yet mastered washing a brush between colours so with normal painting everything (and I mean everything!) ends up the same dirty brown colour of all the paints mixed together!
Some of the macaroni stuck to the paper and couldn't be used, not sure how to avoid that next time?
Soph was very happy with the end result, although she did find putting the macaroni on the string too fiddly and time consuming. After several tantrums, that part became a mummy job!
Next week's 'Make something Monday' may be interesting, with a new baby in tow! Perhaps I'll give myself a slightly easier week and get the playdoh out.... :-)
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