Numbing the pain but not curing the problem

I am frustrated today.

I've spent the last two days feeling reasonably 'normal'. No tears, no curling up in a non-responsive ball and a few smiles even (mostly thanks to my daughter). I've interacted with some close friends and family, and successfully done a nursery drop off & collection without calling on anyone to help.

These things may not sound like much, but this time last week I was in hospital struggling to eat, or to stop crying, sleeping and staring into space all day and refusing visitors. I can see the progress I'm making and practically feel the magical powers of Citalopram (my antidepressant of choice)  kicking in. It is a huge relief to take even tiny steps away from where I was, and I'm grateful for that.

However.

Technically, I am not actually any happier.

The things that pained me before still hurt, I still have no sense of self worth or esteem and I still regard my life as a big fat mess of nothingness. I feel trapped, I feel like my life is pretty much over, like it's a pointless battle because I've nothing to add to the world, nothing to give of any worth. Nobody actually cares about me, they're all just pretending.

I know how it must seem, to be saying this as a mother, and at 36 weeks pregnant. I know that there are people who would give anything to have some of the things I am blessed with in life, and I know that I have a million things to look forward to. But, it just doesn't matter.
Knowing those things doesn't make me care any more than I do. It just makes me feel guilty for feeling this way. Makes me see even more bad in myself for being so selfish.

Perhaps some of this is down to sheer exhaustion. I've been sleeping terribly since I started the 20mg dose of citalopram (insomnia is a side effect unfortunately) sometimes taking 3 hours to go off, and with the added discomfort of being kicked in the ribs at regular intervals by peanut. Plus, last night I was in A&E until 2am with my dad whose been unwell all week. It's all taking it's toll a little.

I know it's more than that though. Anti depressants aren't happy pills. They've not turned off my problems or made me see things differently. They're just helping me function, stopping me from spending every waking moment thinking about things that are wrong in my life and keeping the intense emotional response to these thoughts at arms length. The feeling is still there, but the emotion, the tears, the complete overwhelming need to just wallow is fading a bit.

It looks like I'm on my own with the fight against the rest of it. And that's ok, I think I've some fight left in here somewhere.... I've just got to find it.