Looking forward

Put bluntly I have had a shitty time the past few months.

I am a frequent sufferer of depression and stopped taking my regular medication when I found out I was pregnant last year, because I figured it was the best thing to do for the baby.  I'd not had a serious bout of depression for a couple of years and wasn't worried about stopping taking them.

However, slowly but surely depression and anxiety has edged it's way back into my life during my pregnancy, and things have been pretty up and down, until, last week at 35 weeks pregnant, I ended up in hospital on drips and seeing mental health advisors.

My depression had gotten so bad I was struggling to eat.

I can honestly say I've had some of my darkest days in the last few months. I have felt completely lost, hopeless and worthless. I've spent days curled up and crying, literally doing nothing else. I've ignored my beautiful daughter, neglected my husband and friends and separated myself from the impending arrival of baby number two because I've been wrapped up in my world of darkness. Ive also found out, as is often the case in these situations, who my true friends are.

I've never had such overwhelming feelings of worthlessness and despair, it has been terrifying what my mind can do to me.

BUT I can see some blue sky now.

I am back on anti depressants and they're starting to work. I am starting to notice little bits of joy in things again and every so often I catch myself smiling. Smiling! Just three days ago alone in my hospital bed the idea of smiling seemed impossible to comprehend.

So, with three weeks to go until I'm booked in to have a cesarean and meet my baby boy, I am looking forward. I am focusing on tomorrow being filled with a little bit more joy & a few more smiles. On time with my daughter and finding myself again.

All I ever wanted to do was write. But I've never actually tried to do it. So, to look forward, onwards and upwards, here I am, trying something new. Taking a little step towards something better.

Depression isn't everything I am. But I guess you'll have to keep reading to find out about the rest...... :)