Come on, come on, come on. Get through it

Sometimes I wonder if I'm even actually ill.

Sometimes I think that all the emotions, the constant ups and downs, the good days and the bad, are completely normal and that I just don't cope with them the way everyone else does.
Maybe my childhood has left me incapable of being able to deal with emotions, in the cold house if no love I never learnt how to? Or maybe I'm just a control freak who hates anything that is beyond her control, and can't deal with emotions taking over?

I don't know. I'm so tired of it all. Even after all these years, after dealing with depression for so long, I still can't comprehend how or why my mood can change so suddenly and so drastically. I've had a pretty good period of constant positive progress over recent months. Very few tears, managing to get active again, and relationships, anxiety and confidence improving. But the last two weeks it's all starting to feel a bit bleurgh again.

I know bleurgh isn't a proper word but it's the only one that seems to express what I'm feeling. I'm not suicidal, I've had very few tears, but I do feel flat and disengaged from life again. I've not ran for two weeks, I go to bed at 9 every night and I didn't even bother having a shower today. Nothings wrong, but nothings right either.

I have these occasional moments of clarity, doing something funny with the kids, or something physical and in the fresh air, where I feel like I've shaken off some cobwebs, but they are moments, not days. I don't feel like me at all.

Some people, close friends and family, ask how I am doing and how I'm feeling and it is so, so hard not to just say the same thing all the time. "I'm doing ok thanks". I want to be honest, truly I do, but if I was they'd be as lost as I am. One day I'm great, the next I think I've recovered, then the day after that, really low, then fine again, then super great, then sinking, sinking, sinking.... All, seemingly, without rhyme or reason. I find it the most infuriating and heart wrenching thing I have to deal with, not even knowing how long a 'good' mood will last, or if I'm in recovery. It makes me want to scratch my mind out with my finger nails just to get it to give me a fucking break. If it makes me feel like that, how on earth would it come across to an outsider who was just asking a considerate question?

Far easier to say 'I'm fine', than to burden them and myself with trying to explain how I really am.

Hell, how am I 'really' anyway? I'm alive, I have my physical health, my family and my wonderful friends.

But no peace of mind.

There's a Blur song, Tender, that I love. I recommend a listen on spotify if you're not familiar with it:

Tender is the day

The demons go away

Lord I need to find

Someone who can heal my mind
Come on, come on, come on
Get through it.