Evening friends.
There's quite a lot going on in my little world at the moment. Sophie, Joe & DH all had the dreaded sickness bug, followed very quickly by ear infections (Sophie) immunisations (Joe) and random temperatures (both of them).
Children are hard work. A toddler with an ear infection is the work of the devil.
Whilst we've been fighting our germs, my lovely Father in a Law has been fighting battles of his own. There's quite a back story with my FILs health, but to summarise he is 80, has had triple heart bypass surgery, two hip replacements, bowl cancer and stomach cancer. In 2012 he was given 2 months to live, but he's the most resilient old guy you've ever met and has been going strong until now. He went in to Guys Hospital in London 5 weeks ago to have an operation to remove the cancer from his lung and prolong his life and since then his health, both physical and mental, has deteriorated drastically.
Yesterday we finally managed to get him transferred to a local hospital, but the journey nearly killed him and the doctors there have been shocked with the state he's in. They believe he had a stroke 5 weeks ago at Guys and it was never picked up, but they cannot confirm their suspicions with a scan as he's not currently well enough.
It's all been unbelievable stressful for everyone, no sleep, whining kids, constant phone calls.... It takes it's toll. Sunday morning one of our cars wouldn't start and it was the last straw for me, I had to have a good cry and go for an hour or so time out,
I felt better for it but I did, and still do, feel awful for needing it.
It was my DH who had to spend the day up in London, arguing with Doctors, listening to his dad saying he just wants to die, and there I am saying a I need a break? How selfish is that?
I was so ashamed for not being able to cope better, for not being able to support people who needed it more than ever.
When I got back home Sunday I sorted out my thoughts. I realised that I'd spent 2 weeks running around, tolerating things and not doing any of the things I know help me maintain balance, mainly because, with everything that's been going on, I felt too guilty to make time for them. How can I think about going for a run at a time like this? How could I nip out without the kids for a few hours when DH has so much going on?
That's why Things came to a head on Sunday. I didn't deal with any of the stress, did nothing to recharge my batteries, then suddenly felt overwhelmed and exhausted.
I'm trying to learn from it. Tonight my sister came and helped with the kids bath and bedtime and I popped out for a run whilst she was here, but it felt SO cheeky! Asking someone to help you when you're struggling with the kids is one thing, asking them to babysit is another, but babysitting whilst I run? I feel like anyone, even my sister, will think that's a very cheeky thing to ask. In my mind they're rolling they're eyes, thinking how I've got my priorities all wrong and how I should be worried about DH or FIL - not running!
I've messaged some friends about grabbing a short lunch or coffee or something at the weekend just so I can have an hour or two without the kids. I haven't asked DH about that yet because again, I feel selfish and cheeky and I'm putting it off. Even though I know that an hours break like that will massively help me stay in control.
It is really, really hard to put yourself first, especially in situations like this, but I'm really starting to understand why it's important. I'd be better at it if I could do it without anyone knowing. If I could selfcare without fear of the selfish label.
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