Did I not deserve to be loved, Like everyone else was loved?

It doesn't matter what you've bought your children this Christmas. The biggest present, the most expensive present, the fashionable present or no present at all... It's irrelevant. It doesn't matter how many holidays you go on, whether you live in a 5 bedroom detached house or a 2 bed council terrace.

The number of instruments they're learning, how academically gifted they are, the after school clubs they attend or the sports trophies they've won - all of it is completely worthless as an assessment of your parenting skills.

The age old cliche is true, the one thing that matters, the only thing that matters, is that you love them and you show it.

Say it often, hug them and kiss them and ruffle their hair. Pay an interest in their life, listen to their stories. PLAY with them. Show them how to do their hair, give them make up advice and help them get ready for discos. Freeze your arse off at football matches cheering them on.

Don't wish they were different. Don't compare them to other peoples children and wish they were less loud/cheeky/sensitive or more intelligent/outgoing or sporty. They'll pick up on it, they'll feel the critique. Trust me, I did and it has never left me.

Embrace them for who they are, love them unconditionally and the rest of their upbringing, well that's all just gravy. You'll get some things wrong & some things right. You'll argue with them, you'll exasperate each-other, and I'm certain at some point they'll tell you they hate you.

But they won't mean it.

I'm sorry to say that I do mean it when I say I hate my mum (although there is something distinctly blasphemous about seeing that written down. Only an awful person could hate their own mother right?)

I love her in a 'she's my mum so I have to' kind of way, and I feel pity towards her because I understand where her issues come from, but I also hate her. I know it's a psychological stereotype, a text book scenario, but her lack of love, interest and involvement in my life has left me continuously and unsuccessfully trying to fill a void.

It's a void that affects my self confidence, my ability to handle criticism or confrontation, and inevitably, my love life. I hate myself for it, I constantly assess myself and what I do/who I am trying to stop being the 'way' I am. Trying desperately to be 'normal'.

Try as I might, I just can't forgive her for giving me these issues that I have to deal with for the rest of my life.

But I didn't write this to talk about me and my demons, I've known what they are for a long time, and I will continue my battles with them throughout my life. Maybe one day I'll beat them, but that remains to be seen.

My real fear, my more recent concern and what suddenly feels like the only thing that really matters in my life, is my ability to prevent my children from having demons of their own. Or worse; them being passed my demons as an emotional legacy.

How do I stop that happening? And what's more how do I stop myself from over compensating and smothering my children with love and compassion to the point of non discipline or lack of balance?

All I want is for them to have the opposite in life to what I had. And to grow up with confidence, love, kindness and fun, knowing that someone believes in them.

There was a line in a film I went to see with a friend tonight - 'Did I not deserve to be loved, like everyone else was loved?'

If that line ever resonates with my children the way it did with me, then I have failed badly in life.